Getting By

It's just that it's been one heck of a month. 

Leading up to the birth of Johnny wasn't really that calm either. 

But we got home that first day and tried to be peaceful.

But the night we got home from the hospital we were told by my in laws, who had had the girls, that Hazel had fallen while getting off the trampoline and her wrist was hurt but it was too soon to tell how bad it was.  But by the next day it became clear that it was probably broken. We had to take Johnny in for a weight check the second day home anyway so Hazel came too and got checked out. 

The first of many doctor appointments.

She got a soft cast first to wait for swelling to go down but about five days later she got her hard cast- she chose bright red!

(And don't worry, last week she either badly bruised or broke her nose. So there was that too. (fell on her face because she was nervous to catch herself with her casted arm- it bleed, was bruised and swollen for a few days and gave her headaches for a few days too. So I don't know, you tell me.) )

Meanwhile Johnny had jaundice so we had to go to the hospital a few times for that to get his blood levels checked. 

Here he is taking a sun bath while we waited for the bili-lights to show up.

Then about four days into our first week I was just standing there when all of the sudden it seemed my leg turned into rubber and my knee snapped backwards and I instantly crashed to the floor and went into shock. I honestly thought my knee had just spontaneously broken! I was freaked out and it hurt so badly. Thankfully Buck was home and able to come save me from the laundry room floor. After not being able to walk and the swelling never going down, I went into a doctor for that and found out my knee cap had been partially dislocated. Fun times. It's still healing but I'm grateful it wasn't anything worse. We guess it happened because of the loosened ligaments and joints from pregnancy and weakened muscles from my lack of activity at the end of pregnancy that caused the incident. 

So we ended up with I think 12 different appointments we had to go to within a couple weeks- for Hazel's wrist, Johnny's weight and jaundice, my knee, the dermatologist (because why not add a rash to my face while we're at it?) and then for Rose who ended up with an ear infection. On top of that we had a couple "Back to School" nights for June and Hazel. It was a little crazy for trying to heal from giving birth and all of that. 

I was also in the middle of trying to get the kittens into good homes, after a couple options fell through. And because I was hormonally unstable, this was so stressful! Everyone was stressed too- the cats included. They started pooping in random places, like they hated me or something. They would claw the carpet and meow all night. It was awful! Thankfully once the kittens were all gone Miso and Luna simmered out and have been back to normal. And all's well that ends well and the kittens are placed in perfect homes now!

I also got hit hard with baby blues and spent every day crying sad tears but really for no good reason. So that was an added weight.

I tried to remain aware of my many blessings, however. One of the biggest ones was Buck had a two week paternity leave from work, which he's never had before! So that was amazing to have him here for that long because as previously mentioned, life was crazy. And so was I. (well, still am 😜) And Buck honestly handled all my crying and the appointments and stress of it all so amazingly. He would hug me and let me know that it was okay that I wasn't feeling okay. He would let me sleep whenever I could. He would clean and make food. He took the girls out on dates to help boost moral. He made grocery store runs and stayed up into the middle of the night holding Johnny. Feeling his true and tangible love was very healing in and of itself. After a particularly hard night, he had flowers delivered to me that next day. 

And then the week he went back to work, it was also the first week of school and I was stressed about managing that, but my mom came and stayed the week with us! Which of course included her cleaning all the time and making meals, being with the girls, holding Johnny or Rose at any given time, including holding Rose for four hours one night! And just even being here as a moral support for me.

She also had her birthday while she was with us so I did the best I could to make it special, since she's spent my whole life doing that for me. I managed to make birthday french toast:

And sneakily buy bunt cupcakes:

We went to the mountains:

And then out to Tucanos Brazilian restaurant for dinner!

I can't even begin to fathom my luck and blessings with the help of Buck and my mom and Buck's family. His parents of coursed watched the girls while we were in the hospital and even leading up to the birth his mom watched the girls during most of my appointments and hospital stays. And Buck's dad came and held Johnny on the couch one night, all night so that we could have more sleep!  (Jan had to go back to work the week after Johnny was born so that's why they weren't around as much later on.) And anyway, we have been so blessed by our families! 

And on top of THAT, as if that isn't enough! We have been SURROUNDED by other family, friends and neighbors who have been angels saving my life! Bring dinners, having our girls over to play, taking them on outings, helping with school carpooling, watching the girls during the many appointments, bringing snacks, phone calls and texts to see how we are doing- honestly! It's been an outpouring of love! Healing and saving love! I could make a list of everyone and all the things they've done, but just know that if you're one of those people and you're reading this that I wrote all about you in my personal journal and that you truly made a huge difference in my life and the life of our family. Maybe those things seemed small to you but they were HUGE to us!

And now, we continue to move forward in life, one minute at a time- now with FOUR kids. It has NOT been easy on me. But I guess I did this to myself. (and Buck haha) And I hear people say that it will get better so I'm trying to believe in that. But when I'm stuck inside my home all day for days, hormonal and healing from a big ordeal (birth is not just a nothing thing!) it's hard sometimes to see outside the hard moments. I feel trapped in them and like they will be my forever and that makes me feel hopeless and desperate. I feel like I am NOT doing a good job, that my mom skills and abilities have been going downhill for a couple years and now there just is not enough of me to do a good job at all. They all seem to need ALL of me and my fractured self is not ample. I know that this is normal for everyone. I know that this is life. And I know that God wants us this way to give us opportunities to rely on Him to fill in our empty spaces.

 I feel bad that I can't snuggle my newborn very often.

June keeps crying that she doesn't get any attention and meanwhile she's growing up and I don't even know what goes on in most of her day. Hazel gets lost in the shuffle and when I find a moment to truly hug her or show some affection she bursts open with love and adoration "Mom I love you all the way to pluto and back and into forever and never ending!" like she's just been starving for that love and attention. Ugh. 

Both of us trying to soothe a crying child in the car. 

And then there's ROSE, who started out okay but gradually went downhill and it's been a nightmare for us all. She cries all day, throws tantrums, freaks out when I hold or feed Johnny, wont eat half the time, and the hardest part of all- turned into the worst sleeper on the planet! Cries and screams, sometimes for up to four hours in the middle of the night. We are all exhausted and you wont be getting any recommendations from me anytime soon to have kids 20 months apart from each other.

So like I said, I really have to calm down, slow down, and take it minute by minute. Deep down, past my raging hormones and sleep deprivation, somewhere in logic, I know that this WILL get better, that this is just a transitional phase, that we will survive AND not only that but look back and be eternally grateful that we worked through it all and brought these four spirits into our family. One day at a time, into forever. Our forever family. We can do this. I can do this. I know this was the right thing and I hold to my faith. And my beautiful kids. And to all of you kind souls who have helped. I hope to repay all the service back one day soon!

And above all I am CLINGING to my faith and to God. He has not left me alone in this. He doesn't always answer my prayers the way that I want but then He does something even better, something that helps us more deeply and long term than what I was asking for. And as He shapes us with His love, we grow and become prepared for what's next. I don't mean this post to be ungrateful, just that I wanted to be honest about it all because life is hard sometimes and that's kind of a big reason we are here is to have these hard times and to learn and grow. And usually when we are open and vulnerable we find that we are not alone in any of this! So thanks to those of you who read this jumbled mess. 

Happy one month to us.😅