Many Thanks

Wow. I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting that many readers and comments on my last post! Buck says it's because I taunted everyone with the first little paragraph. So, umm, yeah.... just wanted to say THANK YOU for all the great advice and words that you all wrote! I really appreciated it and the whole thing was a lot more healing than I planned due to your comments! So thank you!

That's all I really wanted to say.

And that we are all moved in to our new house. 

Well, if you consider "Our.stuff.is.all.in.here" moved in. 

It still kind of looks like a bomb went off but hey, I know my underwear is somewhere to be found.

And a HUGE thank you to those of you who helped! My uncle Nate, brother Ben, Uncle Randy and Aunt Jean AND Max and Rebecca!!!!! LIFE SAVORS!And for anyone praying for us- your prayers have been heard and answered and we are doing great and being blessed- so thank you!

And, for those of you who were concerned- Miso (the cat) is actually doing a lot better than I thought he would! He seems a little sad and skiddish and, well, he did try to kill himself with a painful dive behind the dryer in the apartment before we left.... but still, better than I planned.

And here is just one example of the fun days that I have ahead of me this week.

I present to you- The fireplace pile #1 (there are many labeled piles, you see.)

Yes. Here lies our books. And games. And a gorilla suit. Annnnnd a "swimsuits optional" sign. Guess I better get going to work!

The things I think about these days

I actually don't expect anyone to really read all of this. (or, heaven forbid- make a comment. ;)) But it feels good to be honest and not direct this at any particular audience.  Not to worry who might take what the wrong way. So, don't mind me as I go forward and spill some of my brain out here. Thanks.

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I'm really nervous to move. Reason #1? My cat. I'm scared that he is going to have anxiety and feel lonesome and homesick. He freaked when we got new couches once. What will he do with a whole new house?! He doesn't handle change well. Call me silly for caring so much about my cat's feelings, but honestly, it's been worrying me like crazy. I love my kitty. Other than this I'm not that nervous to move- over all I'm excited. But if there was another reason it would be:

Reason #2- I'll be living on a ground floor again, you know, on a height that humans can reach and see in windows and plan and plot evil things and then come and follow through with evil plots and things. THERE IS A HUGE WINDOW ON THE FRONT DOOR. Why was that EVER a good idea? I need curtains, lots and lots of curtains....

And, Reason #3- Buck will have to drive further now to work and stuff. This makes me nervous because his car is DYING. I'm not sure it will last. And on top of that, my car is not doing so well either. But hey, you know, it's like- while we're at the whole "let's make as many expensive and life changing decisions all at once in the first year of marriage" thing, we might as well add on top: buy cars. Why. NOT?

Other than this I am actually really excited to move and have a new adventure with Buck. We have a backyard! And this is exciting. While I'll miss my apartment swimming pool, I suppose a kiddie pool to lie in under our giant tree isn't so bad.

I like change alright. Especially when it's change that I've decided on, like moving. If I'm ever apprehensive I believe it's due to the fact that everything is changing at once and I'm going into a lot of unknowns.

Then.

My ribs feel like they are on fire most of the day. I cannot bend over or get up out of bed. 

It really hurts.

And now a nerve on the top of my large belly is being stretched so severely that it is confused and is sending signals to my brain that it is burning. True story, just ask my doctor. And my poor confused nerve. I feel like I have a 3rd degree burn the size of a.... mini bagel...?

I can no longer wear my wedding ring because my knuckles are swollen. 

But really?

Over all- I like being pregnant. Someone asked me if I did, (after saying she hated it) and when I said that I actually liked it she had to go pull out the old "oh just you wait, you're in the good days- it gets awful." Excuse me? Because I never said I felt great, just that I was enjoying the experience regardless. And I see it as a new challenge- to get through this and be strong. 

And I realized that labor and delivery are God's way of showing the world and all its men that women ARE strong. Because the world seems to be confused about this.

And by the way, to the women who cannot be pregnant- I think you are the ultimate example of a strong woman. More than a 1000 labor and deliveries strong.

(And , p.s., I would take this whole "feel like I was hit by a TORNADO" feeling over that 1st trimester nausea ANY DAY. )

I honestly think a lot about Buck and how much I love him and how happy I am. 

I figure I can write about this down here and not worry about people reading and thinking that I am trying to brag or lie because I'm sure there are only like, two of you who have gone this far. So to you two I say (one of you being Buck...)- I have the BEST husband around. He is so tender with me and kind. He listens to me SO much (because let's face it- I'm a talker...) He is so willing to take the time I need to be heard. He gives me countless foot massages. He wont let me pack and un-pack very much doing this move- he is doing it ALL! And he never complains. Every single day, all throughout the day he tells me he loves me. But not just the casual-on-the-way-out-the-door kind of thing, but like he means it. Like when we were dating or engaged and he would look at me in such wonder and emotion, like it was the first time he was admitting it- 

he still looks at me that way.

I feel so beautiful all the time with him. 

He is everything I ever could have wanted. 

I never get sick of being with him, I don't want any "space." 

And honestly we never fight. We've dealt with such deep emotions inside each other that life has a new perspective- silly things don't matter and are not worth the contention. And really, I can't think of many times I ever had to "hold it in." I just feel peace with him. 

And I know we are only beginning. I marvel at the thought of the future and how it could feel after 50 years of marriage- if it feels this good already then it must be like heaven by then! I cannot wait.

And then. This whole becoming a mother thing. Oh how it's on my mind. But I don't know how to describe my thoughts. Thinking of having a baby is, in the end, incomprehensible for me. I plan to take things day by day, because when I think about having a teenage girl, especially in today's society, I panic a bit. So, day by day it is. I've always enjoyed in-the-moment adventures and I don't see why motherhood will be any different. 

I'm still trying to grasp the concept of labor and delivery. It's been a big fear of mine my whole life. And now there it is- staring me in the face. No going back now! One of my best friends is completely unafraid of this, which is rad. (and she's almost due!) and then there are all these classes and people telling me that if I am afraid then it's going to be the worst experience, which in turn makes me more scared and AH! I don't know. I feel like a failure because I'm still scared. I've even been working through it but still, I'm pretty terrified. *sigh*

And friends and people joke sometimes that I'm going to be an awkward mom because I don't have much experience with kids.I laugh along too and make jokes back. But sometimes this really gets to me and makes me wonder if it's true. Even the lady at the baby clothing store told me I needed to be more excited. (is there something wrong with me? Am I suppose to be jumping up and down with joy as I shop? ... ) This experience has been very personal and new. I guess I haven't felt the same about it as a lot of people I know. I am deepening and sinking true love to a new place for me. Can it be possible that the person I am qualifies me as a potential good mom more than any experience changing diapers does? Whenever I express these sorrows to Buck he says, "Anyone who thinks you wont be a good mom obviously hasn't seen you with our cat." I love him and his healing words. haha and it's true! I have the most loved and spoiled cat. ;)

And last thing for now- I have to give a shout out to the big guy upstairs. I think of Him a lot too. With all this money madness and all the things we have had to pay for there is no reason we should be able to buy groceries. haha BUT through the miracle of tithing and faith He has given us some miraculous blessings that have made it possible to always meet our needs and some wants. I've been learning some big lessons in budgeting as well. I am thankful that funds have been tight but adequate. We have learned so much and loved it. 

And 

That is all for now. Those are some of the things I think about these days. 

And these.

by- me!

 

Boise

This weekend Buck and I got to go home to Boise! I always look forward to this and I love being home. There is something so relaxing about it all. I love to be home with my family. I love that my mom cooks (although this consequently puts my hamburger helper nights to shame...) I love seeing my life-long friends. I love the summer and swimming in the pool. I HATE leaving my cat here but love to see my Chewbaca cat at home. It's just such a great feeling to be there.

This weekend there were other reasons to go also. We went to see my dad perform in the play South Pacific. He had a lead role of Emile, the french man. He did an amazing job- as always! He is so good that I forget that I am even watching my father on stage. And you should hear the things the audience says about his dreamy singing voice, well actually, you should just hear his dreamy singing voice. ( my mother has also done plays and is very talented as well and a great singer!)

His character in the play comes out of the jungle after a week at the end so that is why he looks like this...

And the second reason we went was to go to another baby shower! This was one done by my long time bestie Jessica- who I lived across the street from for ten years growing up and her mother. It was such a great day and they made me feel so special! I loved seeing everyone that came and we really appreciated the gifts- they help so much! And going into these things I always swear to myself that I am going to take pictures but then I'm entirely too distracted to remember. But here are the couple I have...

is it me, or do I look stumpy...?

Jessers and me!

Yep.... that's all I got...

Well, here is another photo:

I think we took this at 32 weeks, and now I am 34.

 And I found this by our new house (which, by the way, we will be moving into this week so that is weird... and it will be crazy!)

But it's so NICE of them to deliver! I'll have to keep them in mind this winter...

On Fathers

SO it's a day late. I was in Boise and then coming home to Utah from Boise so blogging was not on the agenda. But Fathers deserve a shout out any day.

First of all, I have a great father. The more I grow up the more I learn that there are a lot of dysfunctional families out there. WOW. And such a lack of fathers in the home. This was something that I took for granted as a kid but now I can see how blessed I have been. Not only has he been around but he has been a wonderful example and so involved in our lives. And he is random. I mean, what computer engineer does musical theater in the evenings and go bonkers for Disneyworld trips? And how he still has room in his brain to be so devoted to baseball and other sports is beyond my comprehension. But yet, the king of puns and corny jokes is one of the most faithful and dedicated to God I know.
And with that... here's a great photo...

THEN on top of that, somehow I have been blessed with a fantastic father-in-law. From the beginning he has been so warm and loving and accepting to me. I felt instantly comfortable in his family and like I was one of them- before I was even ever engaged! He is a very giving man with a contagious laugh and great faith in his beliefs. I honestly enjoy and look forward to spending time with the in-laws.

And of course, I'm so grateful for all the grandpa's (and soon my dads will be grandpas too!) My grandpa Dabel has since passed away but lately I have been reading his life story told by him and it has been amazing. My grandpa Pew raised a large family and did so with God and it shows in our strong ties. He is such a steady and dedicated father and grandfather. Buck's grandpa Harrison has also been so warm and inviting and I enjoy spending time over there.

And I know this is long, but hey- I got A LOT of great father examples around me!

And now there is my husband, the father of the baby inside of me. (and the man I'll be blaming for my pain in the delivery room right?) ;) But I can't even tell you how excited I am to watch him be a father. I've had some chances to see him around kids and he is soo good with them! It's not in the way where he is trying to prove something but I see him out of the corner of my eye when nobody is watching, connecting and playing with these kids. But honestly I don't need to see that to know how amazing he'll be. I know who he is and that is enough- and he is made of the best qualities.

I'm grateful to be surrounded by so many men whom, by their examples, have shown me more about my Heavenly Father.

UpDATE

 Well. Life is moving right along.

Kind of like last weekend how we ended up taking it slow- going and eating here: (who knew this even existed?!)

And then watching the bewildering movie "Arsenic and Old Lace." (who comes up with these things?!)

And the next day we made an emergency Icee run and watched some more movies.

Oh yes, and my sister and aunts threw me a BABY SHOWER here in Utah (another to come in Idaho as well) and it was so great!

And then. While I was there, Buck finally got to go to Sundance ski resort and take the water coloring class that he was gifted back on his birthday in March. He loved it. (and he'll probably hate that I'm posting these because he is critical of his work, but we all think he's great!)

Here's his wall of art that I started, like the proud wife that I am. These are his first five paintings ever. Pretty dang good for a beginner!

 

Oh and we BOUGHT A HOUSE! Don't want to show the world where we will be living but check out our backyard! It's over grown and wild back there right now, but I love it. The trees are so old and BIG!

And here are some flowers that I picked from our flower garden yesterday! I have so many flowers and I didn't even have to do anything to get them! (well, except, you know, the whole buying a house thing...)

Under tightly spun silver clouds- a ray of sun dances in me

 

And as the world looks on to darker days, as the earth begins to undress- slipping out from her tired robe,

 

I sing.

 

And I know you can hear me; that somehow a piece of sky sleeps in me now- Slumbering on, unaware of the elements that will soon be draped across your face.

 

Today, the rain reverences you.

 

And I too, bow low, to the power that brings you here.

Inside me I am traveling further than any plot of land, on a road through silence. We go. You come. And with you, you bring some semblance of home.

Memorial Day

It's a bit delayed but thought I'd share about Memorial day a little bit. Because it was good. 

We got to go to the cemetery and see and reverence some family. (since we have four loved ones in the same cemetery)

Grandparents

Long story if you don't know it...

And... later that day we went and saw the 4th Pirates of the Caribbean...

 

And had a family barbeque.

The end.