Hazel's Birth Story

 

Saturday February 22, 2014

 Today is a much different Saturday than I thought I would be having a week ago when Buck and I were planning it. We had a list of last things to get done before the baby came: Paint the ceiling, wash the dog, check the cars, clean the closet, and have Buck take some final maternity photos of me.

But instead of that baby list, we are checking off items for a different list:
Wash her clothes, nurse the baby, change her diaper, get out the breast pump, take a nap, shower, cuddle with June, pray for the pain to stop with nursing.

This past Tuesday when I went in for an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid, I really didn't think it would be "the day." I felt like the baby would probably end up coming before her due date since I had the problem of low fluid, but I still thought I had a good week or two.

I got into the office and two girls tried to check the fluid on the small portable ultra sound. They quietly talked to each other saying "Oh yeah... I guess there isn't a pocket of fluid to measure in that quadrant either..." And then they gave up and said I would have to go into the actual ultrasound room to use that one and something about "this machine is old..." But I knew what I was hearing- they weren't finding enough fluid.

And instead of taking me to the "real" ultrasound, they first made me do a Non stress test. I wasn't prepared for that since they hadn't told me that was going to happen until right then so I didn't bring in anything to entertain or feed June. She was all over the corner of that room that they had curtained us in at. She took my phone and threw the contents of my purse on the floor and kept demanding that someone bring her a sucker. All the while I was strapped down and unable to move. It was the most stressful non-stress test ever.

Finally they took me into the other room, the perinatologist following close behind, whom I wasn't originally suppose to meet with that day. I knew what was coming.

Sure enough, fluid had gotten too low and the doctor tells me I need to go be induced that day. Buck doesn't answer his phone for a few minutes. I was in shock and felt no reaction whatsoever so I calmly asked if I could go home and get my stuff and I then I left with June. They probably thought I was the most unenthusiastic person ever. But I had gone into emergency mode, which is surprisingly calm for me.

Buck finally answers and races home from work. June and I go home and start packing. Buck shows up and then so did my friend Tanya. I throw in a load of laundry, Buck takes the dog to the kennel, takes out the trash. I give my perishables to Tanya as she helps me pack. I go and press "publish" on three completed blog posts I was waiting till later to post. Buck gives me a blessing. My aunt Amy comes and picks up June. And then I make Buck take some five minute maternity photos of me since we never did. (I was waiting until I was 37 weeks since that's when we did them with June.) Boom. A good hour and a half and we were ready. Good thing the hospital is only a few minutes from our house.

As we were making the short drive a nurse from Labor and Delivery call me to make sure I am coming... oops. So maybe I was taking my time a little bit because I was stalling. Sure I had actually checked off all the big and important things on my nesting list but the one thing that was left was to be mentally ready to put my body through what I was going to. And I wasn't ready.  Maybe that sounds weird, but I had been avoiding the plan in my head of what I was going to do and want when in labor. And suddenly it was too late.

We got there and checked in. I was still acting pretty calm and I thought Buck was too until he was asking the receptionist where to go and he said in a rush "She's going to have a baby RIGHT NOW!" like I was in labor in that moment and the baby was crowning. The lady looked at me confused, probably wondering how I was handling such strong contractions with that amount of grace.

But it didn't take long for me to start to unravel. Everything just happened so fast. As soon as I laid down a lady was there sticking an IV in my arm and the nurse was hooking up the pitocin. Minutes later the doctor came in and broke my water. I wouldn't let him for a minute, and he seemed confused- but I needed to catch my breath! It was all happening too fast!

And then? We were just left there. I was only at a 2 but 70% effaced. I thought things would go quickly since I was only in labor with June for 6 hours total.

Instead my body grew stubborn. They gave me unusually low doses of the pitocin. And I wasn't progressing much. I was getting contractions and feeling the pain but as soon as they started to get a good pattern they would turn sporadic again.

Buck opened the window blinds for me and I just laid there and started at the snow frosted mountains. I watched as the sky grew darker and dull. I didn't want to watch a movie or do much of anything. I wanted to feel what my body was doing and be aware of its changes. I didn't want to distract my mind and zone out into a movie, I wanted to be present in that moment. Life was about to change and I wanted to make sure the change was beautiful and full of emotion. For four hours I just lay there thinking. Imagining. Being.

Around 8:00 the nurse checked me. I was maybe at a 2 1/2. I grew discouraged. I asked what would happen if I didn't progress for a long time and she told me that if we got to something like 4:00 in the morning that I would probably end up in a C-section. I got nervous. I worried that my body wouldn't progress because it wasn't ready- it was too early and my baby needed more time!

And I couldn't stop thinking about June. How was she? Was she having fun? I felt some strange and deep ... sadness? I was so excited for the baby to come but it was crazy to think that our time had ended together- just the two of us.

Before we had left to my doctor's appointment that morning I had promised June that afterwards we would go to Thanksgiving point- just the two of us- and she could ride the ponies and then we would get ice cream. I was so sure I wouldn't be having a baby that day. After I found out otherwise and we were headed home June kept saying "Now I need to ride the horsey!" and it was making me emotional. 

I could not get her little voice out of my head that day. I just needed one more day to take June to ride a horse and to let my baby get more ready to enter the world. My body knew all of this and it was not going to cooperate.

I was "snowballing" (as Buck calls) it and so he convinced me to let him turn on the TV to distract my mind. So we watched the Olympics- for the first time this year. (we love the olympics and all but we kept forgetting to watch them since we hardly turn on the TV unless it's for June.) The distraction was good. And I ate some jello. I made a list of reasons in my head why any outcome of this birth would be okay. And around 10:00 p.m. I decided to get an epidural. Three reasons: 1) Contractions suck. 2) I figured I was in for a long night and I needed to sleep and the pain was bad enough that that was not going to happen without it and 3) I never decided on natural labor and I figured in that moment it was not the time to decide and think I was ready for it.

So I got the giant needle in my spine and waited half an hour before realizing that it was not really going to work on my right side. But it had half way worked so I thought, okay, whatever, I will try to sleep anyways. I could feel all the contractions on that side and it started to get intense and I couldn't sleep. But I tried to ignore it. At this point I have no idea what time it was nor did I know what time it was from 10- till 3:24 when the baby was born.

I woke Buck up and told him I needed the nurse. She came and checked me and praises be! I was at a 5. And I was feeling it too... So the anesthesiologist came back and gave me a whole other dose to help my right side. Which... kind of worked. Mostly it completely killed off any feeling or hope of movement in my left side, which was not the plan. But it did take the edge off the pain on my right side so there I was again. Feeling it but not all the way- so we decided to try and sleep again.

Well as the time passed I not only felt the pain intensify on my side but I slowly realized that it was moving to the center of my body and filling it up. Then I moved my legs... not numb anymore. The whole thing had practically worn off!

I was in audible distress at this point and Buck heard me and woke up. We called the nurse back in and I begged for help. She checked me and I was at a 9! I was so happy it made the pain worth it- for a minute anyways. But honestly it was pretty bad and I was NOT handling it with grace... And so the anesthesiologist came back in and boom- hit me with a triple dose. This time it started working on both sides! Halleluiah! Until... the pain moved instead to my lower back. What the heck?! It was so bad I kept telling the doctor about it like a lunatic as he came in to deliver my baby. I was worried she was faced the wrong way. But she wasn't and there wasn't anything else to be done but have a baby!

They got me all ready and I pushed once. Pushed twice and I saw Buck's eye's light up. "Really?!" I thought, "Is she already here?!" And three more pushed and yes! There she was! I see her little feet as they cut the cord and then there she was! On my belly as they wiped her off! It only took three minutes!

They had warned me that there would be a "party" of people there when she was born since she was that early and they took her to the side to clean her off and make sure she was okay. I could see her the whole time and I kept asking "So she's okay then?" because I was scared since June was whisked away from me when she was born and spent some time in the NICU (she couldn't breathe.) But no! This baby girl was doing fine! And next thing I knew they put her in my arms and let me hold her for a long while.

I was kind of in shock about how fast the whole thing had gone down and I just stared at her face thinking she looked so different from June (now they look like twins.) They unhooked me and stitched me up and cleaned up any mess. Baby girl had to go down to the nursery to check breathing again just to be sure. But by the time they took me down to my room she was there and she was mine.

Hazel Mae Harrison

Born 3:24 AM February 19, 2014

5 pounds 10 ounces and 17 inches long 

 

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We decided to take our full 48 hours at the hospital. Thankfully June was able to stay with family for those few nights- and many other people offered to help- it was overwhelming how blessed we were with help!

The first day Buck's brother came and then June with my aunt. June got to stay for a few hours and that was nice, even if she was a little tornado most of the time. The first time she saw and held her baby sister she was sitting by me on the bed. She held her and kept saying, "I'm a big sister!" and it was the best. She even got a bit possessive when other people came to visit and hold her, proclaiming, "No I'm the big sister!" I felt such relief having my June bug there to be apart of everything.

We had a lot of visitors that first day and dinner and dessert brought in from the outside world. I didn't even shower but I felt happy.

The second day was much calmer. The only people who came to visit was June and my aunt and then a cousin that evening. June only got to stay for about an hour. At the end when my aunt had to leave and take June with her, June was sitting by me on the bed eating a cookie. She cried when they took her away and kept saying "No I need mommy!" and it tore my heart out. After that the room was too quiet and I started to feel such sadness for my June- I wanted her to come back so bad! But I knew it was good to take the quiet time and heal and adjust to all the new things again like nursing.

I was getting pretty weepy as night came and I knew I just needed to sleep. We had our now officially named Hazel go into the nursery that night, except for feeding times, and we slept pretty well.

And at nine that morning we checked out and got June and came home! And that Friday was good. We spent a quiet day adjusting all together as a family. June even took a three hour nap! We watched a Disney movie and someone brought us restaurant food. June loved to hold Hazel but she also didn't seem to weirded out that a baby was living with us now. It was nice. She had a bowl of cereal she was eating at the coffee table and she would take a bite and then gallop over to the bassinet and then gallop back to take another bite of food. She did that for a good ten minutes.

Meanwhile everything with me is going great. My body is healing much faster this time and that helps. I have also been soooo so still inside myself so that I can feel and stay connected to what is going on and what I am feeling. Mostly I feel beauty and reverence. I am so happy for everything and my gratitude to God could not be larger. My body is healing, my baby is healthy and here- I got to skip a month of pregnancy! Why has God blessed me with TWO healthy and wonderful little girls?! What a tremendous gift! I can't believe it or get over it- I am humbled and in awe. I don't deserve so much enchanting blessings but yet I am surrounded. And Buck has been marvelous. So helpful and understanding. He is beaming with pride at his two girls. And he keeps pouring love onto me. AND keeping the house clean to my ridiculous standards.

I have so much peace and calm inside myself. I love holding Hazel and I keep thinking about how changed I am. I used to want to travel the world and do all these things but man alive! There is NOWHERE else I'd rather be! This is the best place in the world- right now in this little house. Heaven IS here. I am surrounded.

36 Week Maternity photos

I was waiting until I was 37 weeks to have maternity photos taken by Buck since that was the time we took them when I was pregnant with June. But... we didn't make it that far. We came so close, we almost got there- but not quite. So in the mad dash to get ready for the unexpected day at the hospital I somehow remembered this and had Buck take a few quick photos. Since these were done in three minutes, there are only a few so lucky YOU- you get to see them ALL.

36 Weeks

 Maternity Photos whilst pregnant with June click HERE

3rd Trimester Review

Even though I am starting this post at 36 weeks, I feel ready to review my 3rd trimester. WHY? BECAUSE I WROTE THIS POST LAST NIGHT AND NOW I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY TODAY!!! Fluid got too low and so away we go.

You see, it's been a long road but the days are all the same for the most part. Everything from my second trimester is still around. The rib pain, the awful braxton hicks contractions and the constant fever- except I am so used to the fever now that I feel normal all the time! ha

34 Weeks

One of the things that started right before the 3rd trimester is an old pain I had when pregnant with June. Only it came about the last few weeks with her, so it was much earlier this time. The problem is that I have this nerve on the top of my belly and it is stretched in a way that is distressing to it and it's actually confused and sending signals to my brain that it's on fire. That's pretty much a quote from my doctor. SO what that means is that I constantly feel like I have a bad 3rd degree burn there. It's a good 3 inches long and I kind of hate it.... the only thing that helps is to keep a permanent ice pack on the spot. Fun times people, fun times. Anyone else ever had this? Bodies are sooo weird...

As I've mentioned before, my amniotic fluid is low again, as it was with June. SO I have had to go in weekly for ultrasounds and non-stress tests. Add to those my normal doctor visits and I feel like I live in that office. I'm also more dilated and effaced than I thought I would be by this point, kind of a surprising amount! And so as of today who knows what will happen. My doctor is convinced they will have to induce me early because the fluid will get too low and dangerous and now on top of that I could go into labor soon! SO-- I'm kind of getting my hopes up about all of that, which is bad because then what will my mood be like when I end up going over my due date?! Pregnancy is so unpredictable. But we are just grateful that they are aware of this issue and that we are being taken care of so that hopefully nothing bad will happen!

When I look back at older photos I took of my belly it's comical how I thought I was "big" then.
Although because of the low fluid my belly is measuring two weeks behind what I actually am. The good news is that the baby is measuring right on track. I feel kind of bad that I don't make very much room for my kids to grow in...

35 weeks

Despite all the fatigue and pains and low iron and fevers and dislocated ribs and psychotic nerves I still enjoy pregnancy. I guess I'm not one of those women who just LOVE it but I also don't hate it. I have felt more bonded this time to the baby while she is in my womb- I think that's because with June it was all so new but this time I know what it feels like to be a mom and so I am more excited to add more love into my life.

One thing I wish I would have done was work out. With June I went walking and did yoga every single day and I could feel the difference that made. Which this one I have hardly done a thing! I blame it on the winter weather, having a toddler and all the aforementioned aliments but in the end I wish that I would have just done something because I feel so much weaker this time around... gulp. Wish me luck for when I am in labor!

Under Tightly Spun Silver Clouds

There is this little writing I wrote back when I was pregnant with June. Maybe some of you remember it,  but probably not. Either way I've been going back to it. Maybe my writing is too ambiguous to decipher but just so you know this is one of the most significant and life changing things I've written for myself. It was the moment I realized my life was going to change. I felt then that it was for the better, despite what society told me. It was wildly reverent and divine. I knew that what I was doing was greater than any line of foot prints I could leave across this globe. I was creating my little corner of this earth. The idea of Home was more intimate than I ever knew. Back then the ray of sun I wrote about was June and today it is this baby girl. So far I have learned that what I wrote then is still true now.

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Under tightly spun silver clouds- a ray of sun dances in me

And as the world looks on to darker days, as the earth begins to undress- slipping out from her tired robe,

I sing.

And I know you can hear me; that somehow a piece of sky sleeps in me now- Slumbering on, unaware of the elements that will soon be draped across your face.

Today, the rain reverences you.

And I too, bow low, to the power that brings you here.

Inside me I am traveling further than any plot of land, on a road through silence. We go. You come. And with you, you bring some semblance of home.

These Days

It's just that I have to get my updates in before baby comes. So here's another photo dump from my phone. :)

June and Abe are best friends. Well, Abe is June's best friend anyway. Lately I keep finding him draped in this blanket. I think he's thrilled about it.

June put this on Abe's head and said "Abe is pretty!" and then followed that with "Abe is Jesus!" because she has this thing with looking like Jesus when you have a blanket over your head like this. In her defense, over half of the paintings we show her of Christ, he has fabric over his head like this.

That, or I think Abe looks like a Pharaoh dog.

Church is rough. Who decided that 1:00 was a good time? It's throwing off June's naps. And us.

We had some girl time and got our hair done. June loves her zebra-monkey cape.

The same day we got our hair done we stopped by the mall. Unknown to me, there is a train that drives around the entire bottom level. June hears the cries of the train whistle and starts running away trying to find it. We find it and it keeps raging on so we follow the dang thing across the entire mall to where it finally stops. Then I find out it's $3 a person. But by that point we had to go on it.

June had her first make up adventure and gave herself a rosy uni-brow with my blush\\

June has watched more movies these past couple weeks than she has her whole life. This is her reaction to Snow White.

Child labor is in full force here at our home.

Over the long weekend (Buck actually got President's Day off) Jade came into town for the weekend. She helped us do a whole bunch of productive things to help check off my final list before baby comes and so to celebrate we went to Build a Bear since Jade and June both had gift cards.

It's kind of... crazy in there...

June picked out a horse

 And she picked out the pirate outfit... and then I asked her what the horse's name was and she said, "Ummmm.... Pirate Ship!" hahaha

Then that night we went to eat at Chili's. Always nice to not cook or do dishes.

Valentine's Celebrations

This year for Valentine's day, I made sure that June had some cards to pass out to friends and family

 

We also made pink cupcakes

And on the actual holiday June was spoiled with goodies from us and her grandparents.

 We took some silly photos with her new princess purse

 And these are the many faces of June

This year Buck was in charge of planning our date. He did a great job! First he came home with flowers for me. These are becoming my favorite. 

 For our date we went to a place called Color Me Mine. It's a studio you go and pick out some sort of pottery piece like a plate, bowl, mug, vase, figurine, or platter and then you get to paint it however you like and then they glaze it and put it in the kiln and a week later you pick it up. It was super crowded so I didn't take any photos but we had a lot of fun. We both picked out a bowl to be our special "cereal bowl" and a matching plate. We'll see this week how they turned out but I did a lace pattern on mine and Buck did his all art deco.

After that we got to go out to eat sushi! Which is always a treat. And Buck accidentally gave our waitress a 62% tip. Don't get me wrong, we normally tip well... but not that good! haha He gave part cash and then his card and I guess he miscommunication and she thought all the cash was for her... so Happy Valentines Day to her!

So anyway, that was it for this year. It was about as much celebrating as this pregnant body could take. :)