I Miss You

When I was in Armenia I was fiercely homesick. I never expected to be, I thought I was a vagabond at heart who could make the world her home but yet there I was. Sick in every way. As a missionary you're suppose to focus on the work and not be distracted and so to top it all off I also felt guilty. How odd to feel sinful for missing home and my family! But it was a confusing time. So one day in a meeting with my mission president I "confessed."

I expected him to say, "Well sister! Forget yourself and get to work!" But instead he surprised me as he started to tell a story.

"When I was in Hawaii on vacation with my family, I had to leave a few days earlier than them for work. When it was time for me to leave I got to the airport early but became so overwhelmed with the grief of missing my family that I left and drove back to them just to see them one more time before I left. And I was only going to be apart from them a few days!

"That taught me a powerful lesson. It gave me a taste of how it feels to miss my family. And it showed me a glimpse of the pain I would feel if I didn't live my best life now and ended up not being able to live with them for eternity.

"I have found that emotional pains far outweigh that of any physical pains. 

"So use this sadness you feel to motivate you in life. Never forget it. Do everything you can so that you can be with your family forever."

He always knew the perfect thing to say. He didn't tell me to buck up- quite the opposite! He told me to allow myself to feel the pain. He told me to learn from it.

And he also taught me something powerful about missing someone or something, even if he didn't know he was at the time. As I thought on his counsel I realized that even though missing my family sucked it was actually a blessing. I had a family! And a family worth missing! I realized that I was feeling one of the most blessed pains life could serve.

To miss.

Because having something or someone in your life and then having that taken away can bring a pain unlike anything else. The absence can be so silent that it nearly kills you. Where there was once warmth, now there is cold.

So now when I miss anything I ask myself why. Like, why do I miss summer and the heat? Because I know what summer feels like so I am privileged to miss it. Why do I miss the people I do? Because I was blessed to know them in the first place. Why do I miss sleep? Because I know how good it feels to have a good night! Why do I miss ANYTHING?! Because there was something I knew that is worth missing.

So while I could have a life void of missing anything, that would be a different kind of empty. One that could not be refilled with memories because there would be none to be had.

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the people that I miss. For all the places and the smells and the lights. All of it. And I'm grateful for the fears that I have. My deepest fears all lead to a fear of ever having to miss particular people. And for those of you who hold that deepest fear I want you to know how worth it you are. I would miss you and I would be lucky.

But, as my mission president said, the true balm comes when I think that one day I wont have to miss a thing. That if I use this life for what it's worth then I can be with those I love for forever! One day to never miss again.

Hazel Mae

My little Hazel Basil is nine months old now! It's pretty great. And she's pretty cute. So I thought I'd give a little update on her.

This girl still doesn't have any teeth! But I suppose that's a blessing since she still nurses quite a bit. She has finally started eating food though too. But she hates baby food or anything like it. Must be the texture, she prefers her food to be cut up into little pieces that she can explore in her mouth, gumming them till they slide down into her belly. She likes sweet potatoes, carrots, asparagus, oatmeal, pasta, tofu, cheese, yogurt... she hates bananas (!) and peas.

She's not crawling yet. But she wiggles around like crazy. She always lunges for me and tries to climb up me. She's close, she gets onto her hands and knees all the time. And she's got a reach and scoot that can get almost anything. It's mystifying sometimes how she manages it actually. You don't see her move yet suddenly she's in the middle of the room. Magic baby!

For the most part she's decided to sleep through the night again. So that's been awesome. We had a few rough months there. It's good to be back to being normal humans for a time.

She is still 100% obsessed with me. Mom mom mom. That's all this girls wants. And she'll warn and tell anyone about it if they get in our way. It's kind of special and a huge part of me loves this, yet another part of me is a little overwhelmed because Buck and I can't get a date in very much. We've left her with June at my aunt's house a couple times and she just yells the whole time! haha Even when I put her down to try and cook dinner or something she will get so anxious about it. I'm not sure why she's such a stress case. All I know is I'm glad that I can be with her all the time. Some people may say that I am only feeding the problem but to them I say NAY. I believe that she needs this right now and so I am here for her to be sensitive to her needs and wants.

That being said, she has become quite enamored with her daddy as well. When he comes home from work she nearly jumps from my arms to go to him. This has been a new and exciting development. She's okay now to be alone with him. So I can escape at times but not to go on a date with Buck since he has to stay back with her! haha Oh well. One day at a time. The smiles she gives her daddy are the best. So we're all happy.

She's still June's biggest fan and June is hers. It's pretty precious. She loves to play with her big sister and even initiates it now which is so cute (unless she's pulling June's hair... haha.)

Hazel is a curious and detail orientated little baby. She will examine anything with her little fingers, so delicately touching each part of an object. She wants to touch everything and it's fun to let her explore. She hardly puts anything in her mouth though, which I'm not complaining about at all. She loves to play and laugh as long as she's feeling safe. 

We love our little chubby thigh baby girl. She's been fun and I love our special bond.

My Birthday

I woke up early for no good reason. The one day Buck was going to let me sleep and I just wake up. Guess Birthdays are still too exciting, even when you're turning 29.... But honestly I was feeling rather sick. I had been feeling sick the day before too and it only got worse on my birthday. I didn't know what was wrong but I had these sharp stomach pains, not nauseous, but pains. My head hurt and was muddled and my body was telling me to "LAY DOWN." But what kind of a birthday would that be. So the day went....

Buck made me coffee cake for breakfast, the Harrison tradition. He gave me my presents in bed. He can never wait. If it were up to him he would give them to me the day they arrived in the mail. And to document how random I am I will tell you what I asked for and got: six pewter plates and mugs.

I just think they are so rad and I've been wanting them for a while now. Because why not feel like a pilgrim every night for dinner? So I'm excited. I also got some other random things, including this umbrella that my mom hunted down, remember from Disney world?

So Buck left for work and told me I needed to be home at 10:00 am. Which, hey, I always am so that was easy. And to my surprise my friend Carrie showed up on my doorstep! She drove from where she lives 2 1/2 hours to come! And she showed up with this:

Which she invented all on her own! She also did my dishes and then took June and her girls to play at a store while I took and bath (Hazel was napping.) She also brought with her a Lush oatmeal bath melt (because Buck asked her to as a favor to him) and so I used that whole thing, turning my bath water into golden silk with little white flowers dancing around me as I sat on a pillow or oats. A birthday bath is always appropriate. Always.

Then I got some pretty flowers delivered from Buck.

Then for lunch my friend Tanya joined us as we all went to Olive Garden. I really debated if I should leave the house but decided to just go for it. It turned out pretty good considering we had three kids and two babies with us. We also took some pretty glamorous photos with my phone so...

 Ruthie threatened Hazel with a knife and then tried to gag her with her own head band so they had to be separated. ;)

Then a real birthday miracle happened when we got home and all four girls took a nap at the same time! And Carrie even passed out on my floor. I couldn't fall asleep but the quiet time was great.

Unfortunately by the time Buck got home I was feeling sick enough that I opted not to go out to eat for dinner. In fact I didn't even eat any dinner at all. I wasn't feeling like throwing up but I just didn't have an appetite with those sharp pains. So I spent the rest of the evening on the couch. I did blow out one candle that Carrie had out on a Styrofoam ball. Actually June blew it out like three times before I got a chance but whatever.

Then in the middle of the night I woke up feeling SICK. This time like I needed to throw up. And I was awake for three hours trying to make this happen... finally it did and that was that. I was couch bound the whole next day so that was awesome. And basically I kind of hate being 29 years old so far... haha.

But it's okay because we went out to eat Friday night at the Cracker Barrel because I'm random like that. The main reason is I'm on a life hunt to find the best country fried steak and I hadn't tried it at Cracker Barrel yet. And now I can report that it was fine but not the winner.

Telling secrets

And that... was my birthday!

Happy Birthday to me!

I do this every year. Make a post for myself on my birthday. This year I didn't really feel like it but hey, a tradition is a tradition. But I mean, I'm turning 29. It's kind of weird. It's the last year I have in my 20's. EVER. Unless I live to be 120, heaven forbid. And while I have some plans to make the year special, I still feel weird about it. But whatever, I hear that your 30's are a great decade. And whether or not I like it, I'm going to soon find out. So here's to one more year of "my youth!"

To commemorate I thought I'd do a good old fashioned list. (It could be as painful as adding 29 candles to a cake and lighting them all.)

-29 Things about me from the past 29 years-

1. I think about Armenia at least once a day, sometimes more.

2. I'm making plans to go back to Armenia in September 2015, God willing.

3. My natural hair color is blonde. Well, like a gold blonde. But I get highlights so I can feel beachy.

4. I only have 6 more states to visit: North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, and Alabama.

5. When I was 17 I went on a pioneer hand cart trek that lasted a week. We had to dress like pioneers, pull hand carts like pioneers, sleep and eat like them, cry and pray. This week changed my life.

6. I've kissed or been kissed by 16 guys. Not all of those were my fault! ;)

7. I had to sit here for a while and think about that and count it out.

8. I have several journals and I keep up on them all. One personal journal I've had since I was 17, a journal of on going letters for June and one fro Hazel, a journal where I write down things I love about Buck and then of course this blog, which feels like a family journal that I MUST get printing into books one day...

9. I collect plates and use them. When people visit for dinner, everyone has a different plate.

10. I used to have two pet ferrets named Mr. Hobbs and Jazz.

11. Now that I've had a pet dog for a couple years I have found out that I am primarily a cat person. Although I do love our dog, I just like cats the most.

12. I worked at a lodge at the north rim of the Grand Canyon for a season when I was 19 years old.

13. At which time I got to hike the entire Grand Canyon, rim to rim, in ONE DAY!

14. My first major in college was photography. It made me hate photography so I quit in the middle of the semester and picked up some pointless "career exploration" classes for credits.

15. I didn't really pick my camera back up until a few months after June was born. So it took six years to get over the trauma of hard college classes. ;)

16. I got my Bachelor of Arts in Sociology.

17. I got to test out of an Armenian language test to get the "of Arts" part. 

18. I've been to four continents: North America, South American, Europe, and Asia.

19. That's because I went to Brazil for a month after I graduated college. And I went to England and France with a school group when I was seventeen. And Armenia is technically on Asia. And because I live in North America. So there you have it!

20. I wanted to go on after college and work for Non Profits and travel the world helping people and all that stuff. I'm sure I would have worn TOMS shoes and poetic scarfs and constantly smelled like curry or something.

21. But alas I've had a lot of really lame and pointless jobs like dressing up as a cow and standing with a sign in the cold snow. Or selling Doritos to corn maze goers. Or making milk shakes for turkey hunters. There were a couple cool ones too like my internship at the Juvenile Corrections center and a girls residential treatment center. And waitress-ing. I actually liked that too.

22. I went to BYU- Hawaii for a summer term one time during college. I probably should have stayed there. I mean, I left Hawaii to go back to the frozen tundra of Rexburg Idaho...!!!

23. I lived in a pink house for ten years growing up. A pink house that my grandpa Dabel painted himself! It was the neighborhood land mark. I mean, it was PINK.

24. I HATE celery and onions. And really I don't like cooked peas. Or nuts in anything except a snickers bar. Honestly I'm not too crazy about bell peppers or cucumbers either. I guess I'm kind of a picky eater? Because I mean, why put sweet pineapples on a savory pizza? It's okay though because I'm excellent at picking things off and out that I don't want.

25. But I love flavor. If it's salty I want it salty. If it's sweet, pour on the sugar! If it requires sauce then cover my eggs in hollandaise and my noodles in marinara! My morning cream of wheat tastes like tapioca pudding and I have no shame.

26. I've completely given up on wearing high heels. I just can't walk in them and be all slinky and sultry like I'm suppose to.

27. Because I guess I'm a spaz. All those years of ballet were a waste. I hit my head on something at least four times a day and every time I eat I leave crumbs on my face like a toddler. Preeeetty classy stuff.

28. Speaking of ballet, I took dance classes for 13 years. I also took ice skating lessons, voice lessons, piano lessons, went to drama summer camp and a writers summer camp at a cabin. I was a passionate child who needed to explore her options, okay? Except the option of sports. I just can't get myself to care... sorry dad!

29. I won the "most sarcastic girl" award my senior year of high school. Which, if you knew me back then you would understand. I've calmed down a lot since then. :)

AND BONUS! Within four short years of marriage we have had two girls, bought a house, husband got his masters degree and a real job and .... yeah. We became, like, real adults. For the first time in my life I actually feel the age that I'm turning. Not that those things define age but it's more than that. I have some lines on my face now. I've done a lot in one decade. I'm pretty content most of the time. I just don't feel younger than I am right now. I really am just.... 29. WEIRD.

So anyway, Happy Birthday to me? Thanks to those of you who actually read this lame list. :) I hope you have a good day today too! Do it for me as a birthday gift. :)

Kiss Good-Bye

The perfect, warm fall weather has held out longer than anyone anticipated. But this morning I woke up to the loud winds tearing through the valley. I think the warmth is gone. But thanks to the weather man we knew it was coming, so a few days ago I threw the girls in the car and we went for one last drive into the mountains.

We drove for a while and Hazel slept the whole time. June and I got out for a minute to throw rocks into the water. But really though, probably a minute and then June said it was too cold. haha 45 degrees and she's done! Definitely my child. But I made her suffer through a couple photos anyway because I'm a mean photographer mom.

She said that these were "snow white trees." For those who may not know what that means there is a part in the movie when Snow White is going through the scary woods and the trees are bare and grab at her with their wooden arms.

She's the best.

Our little jaunt turned out to be more reverent than I thought it would be. The mountains were quiet and still. Most of the leaves were down on the earth like thick frosting. The tree branches were revealed and I was surprised at just how tangled and twisty they are. So many tiny little shoots spiraling off the larger arms. Leaves have a way of hiding the chaos underneath them. I couldn't help but stop a few times to get out of the car and marvel at it all. God is everywhere!

There were some areas where there were only a few leaves left on the trees. They looked like poka dots and I loved them. I wasn't able to capture an image of them the way I wanted to because I was in a hurry by this point- but you'll get the idea I hope. Also the colors of the other leaves were delicious.

There was one tree that had some yellow leaves left, dotting the branches, twisted around a pine tree. I didn't stop but I wish I did. It looked like a tango between two seasons. And anyway, the point is that even though this time of year isn't as popular to drive up into the mountains for, I found it fascinating.

And now I leave you with one last photo. I like to think of this as one last kiss good bye from Fall.

Good bye you lovely season!

Lately- The Warm Fall

Some of the happenings from the past couple months. You know you love the photo purge posts.

Recently June took some swimming lessons for five weeks. She loves to play in the water on her own terms but she is pretty timid over all. Like, washing her hair in the bath is a Shakespearean tragedy. And anyway, the lessons helped! We have a ways to go still but for her she has conquered some big fears already.  

One time June got oddly sick. She had this super high fever one day and that was it. I think. A couple days later there was a mild rash but the important thing here is that SHE LIVES.

Hazel still doesn't share a room with June, but soon! Poor girl doesn't have a room until then ;)

One night Buck and I got to have a date! It was unplanned and we ended up at some local Mexican joint for dinner and then meandering though the local farmers market. We were both giddy and flirted sloppily like we were new at it.

Hazel takes a long morning nap. So in an effort to cut down tv time I made June some "cloud dough" so that I could feel like a good mom. It kind of worked.

Hazel is cute to take grocery shopping. People always ask where they "can find one of those to buy!"  I laugh but then I think of about 12 sassy remarks I could make.

 

Potty training is basically done. Basically. But June has ponies she earned anyways.

Wow this was back before the mountains turned into fall colors but here's a photo at the duck pond...

Hazel loves her daddy, even if I am still #1. (as I should be.)

              

          Baby in a maxi skirt                         / / / /           June barefoot in warm rain puddles.              

These are some of the photos of the last hot days, playing in our yard.

 I've been braiding a lot more. It's fun and I was proud of this because it was my first time

Bakery trip with friends!

Cuddles with June

Cuddles with Hazel

This is in front of a flower shop. I thought it was a pretty big hint from God for Buck... 

She loves sitting outside and examining leaves and grass. Not sure what we'll do in the winter.

A comparison photo.

June// Hazel

Starting to look different for sure!

In all my efforts to eat more healthy I cannot get rid of sugary cereal. Some have coffee or coke- I have cereal. And a Minnie Mouse shirt nightgown.

Making crafts with fall leaves. Because I'm a cool mom.

Underwear swinging/// baby smiling

Harvesting the few treasures from the garden.

Lots of herbs though!

June and I made Halloween cookies. She picked out the colors for each one.

We went to the Animal Farm one day. They had a Wizard of Oz theme going on.

Fall swing time. June tries to touch the leaves and the sky just like I always did as a kid.

 Pumpkin "carving." Or painting. Okay Buck carved his. I made the ugliest painting on earth and June did a cute tye dye thing. We uh, spray painted Hazels.

 

 

On Halloween day we went to the Zoo with Buck's cousin Chelsea, who's become a good friend.

Super Chelsea! She had an extra kid that she watches during the day.

 Then we went to Buck's work for their Halloween thing. June got lots of candy and treats. Also, the night before we went to the church's trunk or treat and so June already had a lot of candy from that. SUGAR!

She really liked being Goldie Locks so that made me happy. And it was a good Halloween night. We came home and had dinner. Buck was actually home this year (he's been gone the past two years for this holiday at a conference!) So he took June trick or treating in our neighborhood. After that my friend came over too and we all watched Hocus Pocus, a tradition for me and now us. June liked it and wasn't scared either. It was a good night. One year I want to also make a fun spooky dinner. Because I really like holidays.

Anyway, this past weekend my friend Kenzi took me out for lunch. She found this cute tea place and I loved it! So much so that I forgot to take a picture with her, but got one of the tea.

Aaaannnddd one last event. We went to the Curiosity museum this week. June didn't quite get the concept of a puppet show at first. haha

That's all for now!

 (I say that like I didn't just spew out 55 photos in one post...)