I Believe

My belief in God has always been very real for me. When I talk to Him, I talk to Him. I feel Him there, I know He hears me. I've spent my life going to church and learning about Jesus Christ. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Honestly, I always have been. And despite the mistakes I've made in my journey, I've never once left my religion behind. That's not to say that I haven't had my own doubts and questions or that I blindly follow or that I'm not a thoughtful and purposeful person. I have taken great care in life to know what I want. And the answer in the end has always been this truth. Everything about Christ's teachings and gospel are what I want and believe in.

The blessings and promises are easy to want- to be with my family together forever, to have peace, to have hope. But following this lifestyle is not always easy. But I believe it will be worth it. It already is!

Lately there have been some happenings in my life and in those of people close to me that have made the reality of my life slip. I've been living my life with the hope and question of "what if this church is true?!" and that has always been such a happy and exciting thing to ponder that I never fully stepped into the other side of that question: "What if this church isn't true?"

For me personally, that thought brought with it a lot of darkness and sadness. It stripped away purpose and meaning in life. It took away my forever family. It painted my mind with eternal black and ... nothingness. It wasn't just a matter of losing all that I grew up with and knew, but I was losing everything that I wanted.

I became fearful that maybe I could lose my faith. What if I searched deep inside myself and discovered that I didn't actually believe? I was scared and weepy about it. But then I realized/remembered that what I believe is a choice. It's not something I'm born with. I get to decide. That's what I've been doing all along. And so I made the decision again. This is what I WANT.

It's been an interesting summer as I've taken my mind to new places but in the end I feel more convicted than before. And today I want to share with my small corner of the world that I believe in God! I believe in Jesus Christ!  I still have questions- I certainly don't know everything. But God has given me enough. I have felt His spirit too many times now to turn my back and deny Him. He is real. I have felt Him.

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Below is a little one minute video about General Conference. It happens every April and October where the leaders of the church, both male and female, give us guidance and encouragement. It's like super bowl weekend twice a year. But you know, with a lot less nachos and footballs.

Chickens are not Monsters

When we told June that we were going to go to Logan to kill some chickens she yelled, "NO! Don't kill them, they are not monsters!" So we dropped the issue and kept it a secret the rest of the day.

Besides, I wanted NO part in killing them either. So I clung to my motherly duties as a shied from the dirty work. However, the whole event came about because I got the idea. My cousin Molly raises animals for meat for her family and so this past spring I talked to her about it and we decided to give it a try. We also a have a lamb that we'll have meat from soon, but we don't have to kill that! Someone else comes and does it. (fhew!)

So we went to Logan this past Saturday. Buck's brother came too. When we got there I made the mistake of seeing the chickens. They all peered at me through the gate and I felt so bad! They had no idea what was coming for them! I had to leave.

So while everyone had a killing party...

June, Hazel, and I explored my aunts yard and had some adventures of our own.

Of course there was cat chasing and chats.

Some tree house climbing,

And life pondering,

Some flying,

Some grape picking,

And some imaginative game playing. We were finding dinosaurs. June was bossing me around and telling me what I was suppose to be saying in our pretend game. (are we already to that point?!)

Then there was some cat whisper time when June got a teenager cat to sleep on her lap. How many toddlers can claim that?

 This whole time I had Hazel in my arms so she doesn't have any photos. Except this fine moment when I was able to put her down.

It was a long day for everyone else. They killed 24 chickens! I felt a little less bad for the poultry though once I learned that they killed our turkey back when it was a baby. Those chickens had what was coming to them! And now we have five of them in our freezer.

The end.

Washington DC trip!

Long story short, my good friend Mandy was in the hospital for her high risk pregnancy. She was out near DC so I thought maybe it would be good to go see her and visit my sister one last time before they move back to Boise. But the problem was that I had to travel alone with both girls. But Erin talked me into it. So away we went...

The flight there was decent actually. We sat next to a business man who wanted to mind his own … business. And that was just fine with me! June watched two movies and Hazel was pretty calm. So it was fine. I mean, I didn't love it but we are still alive.

So yeah. We got to DC and the rest of that day we just hung out with Erin at her apartment. She has two cats and June was in heaven.

The next day, Thursday, we went to the national mall and I went with Hazel to the holocaust museum while Erin took June to the natural history museum. The holocaust museum was obviously sobering and sad. I didn't have any new deep thoughts that I haven't thought of before but it was hard to see it, to learn more. It's so hard to understand how and why people can be so awful. And it's overwhelming to know that this hate still prevails today and that genocides keep happening! Really I could write a whole post alone on how this makes me sad but I know you all agree and we have a silent understanding.

There was this one point where there were four walls lined with photographs of Jews. A husband and his wife spent years on the project and now look! I bet they never imagined their photos displayed like this. Photography MATTERS. It made me want to keep doing it and to focus on what matters most in life in what I photograph.

 It was also the anniversary of 9/11 so it was poignant to be in the nations capital on that day. There was a concert amongst the monuments. 

And June wore a patriotic outfit.

After that we kind of went to another museum but we were all tired so we walked to some stores and then rode the subway home.

On Friday we went down to Mandy to visit her. It was a good visit.

Saturday when Dan (Erin's husband) was home we all went to Delaware since I had never been. We went to the capital and there was a random fire truck parade. Now, only 6 more states to go and I've seen them all!

Then we wandered but it started raining pretty hard so we left. Also, my friend Audrey lives there now so she came and met us there with her son. We went to the first state building to hide from the rain.

And since it was raining so hard by that point we decided to leave Dover and drove to an Amish grocery store and got some ice cream and nick knacks.

Then Audrey went home and we continued on to Chesapeake bay Maryland. It stopped raining so we got to walk around in the surprisingly warm water.

Then we went and had dinner in Annapolis, the capital of Maryland. I went to three difference capitals in one day! That's a new record for me I think. And anyway, we walked around a little bit. And then I had some yummy crab eggs benedict.

 This restaurant has a 6 pound milkshake! ACK! I had to take a picture of this stranger with it.

Sunday morning I had a photo shoot at the Lincoln memorial that Erin arranged for me. (Or we can just pretend that I'm a famous photographer and I have work wherever I go.) June stayed with Dan.

Also, I feel like my check list of places I've nursed Hazel is becoming impressive. From Disneyland rides, to sand dunes, to subways, airplanes and now our nation's capital.

And so, the day before this Mandy ended up having her baby! Which was crazy since she was only 31 weeks. But they knew that could happen hence she had been in the hospital for seven weeks already. So on Sunday after the photo shoot Erin, Hazel, and I drove back down to meet Mandy's baby and take some photos for her. So that's what we did. It was hard to get a clear shot since he's all hooked up in the NICU but I was glad I was there and able to do that for them! Meanwhile Dan took June to church and won best uncle award.

That evening my aunt and uncle and their boys came over for dinner. They live in Maryland. It was a good, relaxing night. Especially for Hazel since she gets belly rubs. 

Honestly one of my favorite parts of the trip was watching Dan and getting to know him even better. I grow more and more impressed by him. He is good to Erin and easy going. But he is also so genuine with June and hazel. June loves him! I mean, he was alone with June from 9:30 am to 4:00 pm that Sunday! And they were both happy afterwards.

Monday was the last day. While it's sad to leave my sister I was glad I could go home and not share a room with both girls anymore... the nights were not very glamorous as Hazel woke up every hour. But at least in the mornings the sunlight had a way of washing away those bad feelings and recharging me a little bit. I mean, look how cute they are.

 So to end our time there we went to the zoo before our 5:00pm flight. The highlight was seeing the panda bear family. Not many zoos have pandas!

Panda selfie caught in the act

 And here's the selfie from the phone. ;)

The flight back was... looooong. It could have been a lot worse but we were all tired from the week and it was evening and... yeah. I was just more tense. But! We survived and that's all that matters right? But when I saw Buck waiting there for us in Utah I nearly cried tears of joy as he took the girls and my back pack. 

And no, we didn't have this row to ourselves. Wouldn't that have been lovely though?

 Utah welcomed us home.

After all is said and done it was a good trip. It's straining to be without Buck at any point but especially when traveling. And not just because he helps parent but I just miss him a whole lot. But I'm thankful we went. I got to see a new museum, check off a new state, see other new places, see old friends, spend time with my sister and then one of the biggest high lights was being there when Mandy had her baby- what were the odds? So it was meant to be. But... I'm probably never flying across the country again without Buck. The end.