Boo!

Don't you worry. I am still living it up here in Utah.
Guess what we did last week for a Tuesday night date?

We went on a Halloween Cruise on the Provo River. I know! Who knew there was a river in Provo?
So the river is full of Halloween lights and jack-o-lanterns. Then  all the sudden we were kidnapped by a pirate! But don't worry, we got away.

And then on Thursday it was our TWO MONTH anniversary. I have decided that we will celebrate somehow every month until the first year. Hey, why not? You're only married once. (Ideally...) So to celebrate this year I decided that it would be best to burn some cookies.

And then this weekend was my friend Leah's birthday so we went to Logan were we got some grapes, went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse, and then went back to our friend Shane's house to watch movies in his home theater and play games and eat the glorious cup cakes that my hands prepared. 

Then end.  And now it's on to another already crazy week.

The Solution

Reasons why I’m lost, having a quarter life crisis: (see previous blog)

I know now. Before being married or even considering it, I sent many pieces of myself away. Away on ships and airplanes and cars; to Africa, Armenia, Maine- anywhere; Islands, and deserts and mountains. Into May, June, and July. And I sent them there knowing that I was going to go and get them. It was like stock. I was invested.

There’s one place that I didn’t put anything into though.

Orem. Utah.

So what on earth do I do now that I’m here? And now that I may never go there?

Will I?

I am lost.

I am all over this world, scattered. Broken. I am anywhere but here.

There was another very large piece of me though that does belong here. It resides in him. It goes wherever he is. I’d been saving that piece my whole life. When I’m with him I do feel whole.

Mostly.

Is it bad that I wanted these other things too for my life?

For these reasons my life feels very compartmentalized. It makes sense to me now. When people ask me how I’m doing I ask them “which category?”

“If you’re asking about my married life then to you I say- It’s great! Best decision of my life!”

“If you’re asking about my ‘job’ life then to you I say- …not so good…”

Besides, the world tells me that I am to define who I am by what I do. So does God. But God and the world usually mean it in two different ways.

And all I know is that now I see no other path than to try and become some business-woman of Orem.

Orem.

We talked about all this last night. He came up with a good point, he did. My darling husband.

“Maybe the whole point is that you were never suppose to spread yourself over the globe in broken pieces, but maybe the point is that you are suppose to keep them and make them whole so that when you do go to all these places- you go there with your whole heart instead.”

He’s the brains of this relationship.

I’m the drama.

And he’s right.

 He made a very good point.

Insightful. Theoretical.

So now it’s a matter of me accepting the truth. To get those pieces back. In a sense to give up on those plans and dreams. For now. I cannot become whole. I cannot walk forward with one foot in Utah and the other stretched out in Tanzania- on the ground, doing inter-continental splits.

No. It’s time for me to stand up and learn to love who I can be. Here. In Utah.

I guess.

Sigh *

I could of made it though. Out there. I swear I could of. I would have made it to those places. I would have been a very helpful servant and a successful vagabond.

But in the end, I would be nothing without him. I’ll give the pieces to him. He who is so selfless with me, he who is doing everything to make a life for us.

For us.

Crippled

[I wrote this a few weeks ago. I feel like posting it now, especially since it seems like nobody reads this blog... I feel I can be more open to the three of you reading this.] [and you Buck. But you already read this :)]

          

  I’m thinking here. I need to reevaluate my life and my goals. There are some goals that will stay forever like:

1)    Live the gospel and continue to reach for that highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom.

2)    Accomplish this goal with Buck and our other family members.

3)    Find ways to serve

4)    Have a family

But that’s it! I mean, those goals will dictate much of my life but still, what happened to my other goals?

I had five bullet points of things I was passionate about in my career choice and future:

1)    Refugees. Whether it be abroad (I was hoping) or working with them in my own state, I wanted to help people seeking refugee from horrifying circumstances

2)    Youth. I wanted to help the youth to make good choices or to alter the ones they had made that were not-so-good. I felt that I connected better with youth than with children, if I was being honest. Often I feel awkward around children.

3)    Women. I feel such a strong drive to help the women of this world. I am a true feminist. This doesn’t mean that I burn my bras and demand that women should be just like men, but this DOES mean that I don’t think it’s right that everyday women are raped and beat all over the world and that nothing is being done about it. (I know things are being done, I do, after all volunteer at the Rape Crisis Center- I mean more the cultures where it is ignored and even accepted.)

4)    Raising Awareness. I believe strongly that others want to help. But first they need to know. And even those who can’t “help” should know. There are genocides happening still, it didn’t stop at WWII and there is slavery still happening, it didn’t stop at the Civil War. We are afraid to learn the truth because we fear that there is nothing we can do. I believe that isn’t true.

5)    Getting People Involved. And I believe that the only true way to raise awareness is to get people involved. I have dreams of helping people find their passion for serving and then providing ways for them to do that. Whether it be going around the world or staying in their own neighborhood, I believe we all have a place to impact. Maybe then we wont be afraid of the truth. Maybe then we will start to learn about things other than which Hollywood star is dating whom.

The problem, however, with these goals is that I truly longed to accomplish them in some distant and far land. I don’t think that is where everyone has to go but for me I could feel it call me in the wind. That I was destined to help those who are unknown and forgotten. People with no computers or air conditioners.

I want to think and create. I want to establish and become. I want to help individuals.

I also wanted to bring passion to their worlds. Teach them music or photography. Learn to dance or play a new sport. Whatever it may be, I wanted to give people something more important than food and survival. I wanted to give them life.

The thing is that, A) I got into the world a little bit and discovered tons of lost social activists and entrepreneurs, with lots of passion like me, but with little knowledge, skills, and discipline- like me.

Then B) I also found that there were people out there with knowledge, skills, discipline AND money who were already doing these things. I am not the first person to want to bring passion. I am not the first to want to help the world.

And what’s more is that I knew I would find all of this. But for some reason I thought that I was different. That I was going to do something magnificent. Then I got here and didn’t even know where to start. Everyone wants me to have all this experience, but nobody is willing to give it. And besides, I see now more than ever that the majority of the world DOES NOT CARE.  They do not want passion and happiness. They really just want food. And accountants. And here in America we have other things that have been added to our survival pyramid such as fancy cars and houses.

The truth? I am only cynical because I have lost hope in myself. It’s not really the world’s fault at all. The younger Anna didn’t care if the world fought back- she was going to stand on top of it, proclaim through the sky, and move and alter every false notion that had been set. She was going to command an exodus and reshape the world.

Or something like that.

 Typical Anna. Such grand ideas from such a discouraged little girl. I have lots of vision but that’s about it. Nobody else seems to believe in me and so I’m starting to believe them.

I can’t even get an $8.50 an hour job that I’m totally and completely QUALIFIED for! How on earth am I suppose to move the earth?

This time last year I was finishing my last semester of college. Just so that I could get that blasted piece of paper back that mumbles of my degree. What was it all for?

Thankfully I’m married now. He gives me purpose. He worries that he is the one holding me back from all my “goals” when in reality he is the only thing that gives me worth. No. I didn’t give up anything to be with him. I gained everything. The only thing he’s holding me back from at this point is joining the Peace Corps, which was my back up plan for when I got into the “real world” and couldn’t convince anyone to let me help make a difference. So for now I have to face it and own up to this Utah place. Poor guy though, thinks he married someone who was, I don’t know, marketable.

At least I can be a mom.

I hope anyways. Don’t even get me started on that fear.

I know, I know. I have a bad attitude. And people with bad attitudes don’t amount to much. I need to be more positive and have the mindset of “I don’t care how many times I get pushed down! I will get back up!”

Problem is I’m writing this while I’m and feeling sick and hormonal. So. Yeah. Never a good idea. Once I’m done feeling this way I’m sure I’ll be ready to get knocked down again. And again and again and again…

Yes. Yes they are.

It's a-MAZE-ing

I couldn't help my punny self. And besides, tis the season of corn mazes. At least over here. Do they have corn mazes on the east coast? Hmm. Anyway, I secretly hate corn mazes, I feel lost enough as it is, especially living in Utah now, so why go and pay to get more lost? I don't know but I also demand to go to one every year. It's just the right thing to do, being fall and all. And this year I have now been to two. Count em, TWO. One at night and one at sunset. The one at sunset was also for my sister's birthday, which you will also see photos of here, today.

They gathered around to hear Erin tell a story

I NAMED HIM "PORK"

My cousin Alycia made this for Erin

That was yesterday.

These were this weekend:

And I am officially all corn-mazed out for the season. 

Pancake Picnic

We've been enjoying these:

 

And these.

 

And pancake picnics.

Well.

It's just that I've actually been kind of busy. Which is new and exciting for me. Maybe found a job MAYBE. But I wont say anything else about it unless it actually pans out. BUT I did, however, have another job this past weekend. Feels good to get paid something. I got to be the photographer for Amy's wedding, a friend since my first summer block of college. She was my roommate in my first apartment ever. She was older and wiser and Carrie and I would sit at her feet and listen as she would give us tips on kissing boys. I guess I still have yet to try that York peppermint patty idea...

Anyways, I'm not the best photographer and my camera is a dinosaur in the eyes of the digital world but thanks to my dad loaning me his new camera and borrowing his boss's digital flash, we got some great shots. :) I'm still editing many of them but here's a sample:

First look there are more in this sequence

Hey. Did you know that I have a lousy photography blog too?  If you're bored you can look. :)

http://annaalysephotography.blogspot.com/

Now and Then

"This is good-bye forever," she read, "We can't be friends anymore."
24 year old Amber read the 14 year old Amber's note to me as I sat on the floor laughing now at such a then tragic note.

One of many fights in middle school between friends. It was a dramatic time.

Amber and I have known each other since first grade. We were in the same class and on that first day of school as we were all sitting down on the rug to go over the weather chart- we introduced ourselves, our little six year old selves.

19 years later.
"Hi I'm Anna." and "Hi I'm Amber." Has found her sitting on my bed as I clean out my room. My museum.

I find so much of her and all my friends in my room. I swear I saved everything. Every note, every present, every stuffed animal and nick-knack. Every picture.

And everything that I gathered on my trips over the country and globe. Sand from Brazil. Shells from Hawaii. A water bottle from France and candy from England. Post cards from Montana. Boxes full of Armenian memories. Bahamian money. Disneyworld tickets.  Alligator teeth from Louisiana. Canadian chocolate. A rock from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

We discussed the odd number of people that I have known who have passed away. 16 was it? Some I knew well and others not as close, but for some reason I always went to the funerals. The first being my grandma's when I was ten. I had saved funeral programs, a bullet from my Grandpa's military farewell, flowers from Keith and Nancy's graves. A box of pancake mix given to me from my friend Ashlee not long before she died. I remember the last time I saw each of these people and the last words I ever heard them say. And I always will.

I've tripled my wedding attendance and I stored the wedding mints and bubbles for some reason.

I have many pictures and trinkets of previous pets. Whether they be cats, ferrets, rats, birds, crabs, hamsters, fish- or a lizard that Alyse and I stole from Arizona when we were kids. I have several stuffed animals of the ones that I wish could be pets like monkeys and sea otters.

And the collections. Oh the collections I started. Collections of bubble gum, key chains, hotel shampoos, figurines, stuffed animals, coins and money, state quarters, plates, music boxes, and perfume. Each collection having been significantly contributed to.
And then there's the "I Love Lucy" collection. Years and years have gone into that. A large shelf spanning side to side on the wall recently hung, jam-packed with Lucy memorabilia. Until now that is.

I could go on and on about the odd things I found as I rummaged through the mess, my life- through me. Feather boas, crayons, calendars, notebooks, pens, chap stick, various gumball machines, pirate things, hand cuffs, pranks, costumes, 1990's C.D.s, and an old packet full of information about Anna and Alyse's "Combination Club."

"But I will always remember you in my heart." She continued to read, "I wont forget all the memories."

So much of me is represented in those things, in that room. Who I was and what I thought I wanted. What I still want. And what I have. It all somehow brought me here- living in an apartment in Orem Utah. 24 years old and thriving. A newlywed. Happy.

I guess I saved all those things for this past weekend then. The day I would look through it all and remember.

I got rid of a lot, I think. But I also couldn't let go of certain things and they now live in a box.
And there they will wait until I have to clean up again I guess.
And take a day to remember.

We never really get rid of anything though. Or friendships. No matter how many dramatic endings we try to have. No matter how often we clean out our old stuff. Years later not much has changed. I still have the memories and pieces in me.

And Amber still comes over.

Happy Holidays

Speaking of holidays, I have this life goal:

Invent a holiday

So after some time and consideration I have hereby invented TWO holidays for the Harrison household to enjoy. 

Holiday #1:

~June 15~

Celebrate Colors Day

Every year we will celebrate a different color. We will decorate accordingly, eat a meal all that color, and wear that color. And so on and so forth. 

I think we'll start with the basics, you know, the primary colors, rainbow, that kind of thing. But not in order. I think we'll celebrate YELLOW first.

I personally can't wait to celebrate PINK

 

I think that Buck will be excited to celebrate BLACK, so he can see me where something like this:

And as the years go by we'll end up celebrating random colors like FUCHSIA, GOLD, and SEA FOAM GREEN.

 

And now,

Holiday #2

~September 20~

Food Fight Day

Basically, we are going to set up outside somewhere appropriate and make a large and goopy meal with fluffy desserts. At the beginning we will have a everyone pull a paper from a hat, "murder in the dark" style, and one person will get on their slip "Food Fighter" and that person will be the one who has to start the food fight. But it will be a secret. Until they start flinging food that is.

I'm also considering a day to celebrate different countries. 

So one year we'll celebrate FRANCE and another we will celebrate TURKMENISTAN. 

And then ANGOLA and then CHINA. 

Whatever.

We will spend the day learning the customs and eating their food. 

Maybe we can do this at the end of January. 

I always need a little pick-me-up right about then.

 

Point is, we are SO doing these holidays starting 2011.