I posted this on social media last week. It was just something I felt that I needed to do. This month brought back a lot of flashbacks to last year and I realized even more just how traumatizing that whole time was. Making this post helped me in ways I didn't even realize it would, but I also hoped it might help others. I've since received several messages about how it did so I decided to share it here for a couple reasons. One, to be able to look back and remember, two, to further get the message out there that we all need each other and three, I want it here in our family journal so that my kids can read back one day and know that I fought for them and that if they are ever going through darkness too, which they will, that their old mom can relate. ;)
Here is the post:
This day last year was it for me. In the height of my postpartum
darkness I had decided that it had been enough. That I couldn’t go on
any longer. I logically knew that it would get better one day but I
didn’t care anymore, it wasn’t worth even one more day of the darkness. I
started planning my good bye letters and all of that, but then decided
that I should wait until after Halloween because I didn’t want to ruin
the holiday for my girls. I felt so alarmingly calm about it all.
But deep, deep down- I, Anna, myself- had been trapped in a cage. It
was as if some thing had taken me captive and was now in control of my
body. Anna was down there screaming and shaking the bars of her prison,
“Don’t do it! Please don’t do it!” When I looked at my kids I could
almost hear her... a faint voice, a sadness for what I was planning to
do. And so with that last tiny piece of fight left in me I made the call
to get help.
In my dramatic situation, the medication started to
help within a week. It saved my life. [But I know that it doesn't always work that fast for everyone] And just so you know, you all
saved my life, too. All of you who thought to talk to me, bring me
spontaneous meals, watch my kids, text me, carpool- I thought of you all
and how you’d been there every day. You were evidence to me that God
loves me and that I was worth it, even when I felt worthless.
Always follow through on kind thoughts of actions. Even if the receiver
seems fine, ungrateful, or already well taken care of. Every kindness
counts and can add up to saving a life.
A year later and I am
unspeakably grateful that I didn’t do it. That I held on. That I am
here. Whoever that was was NOT truly me. And I need to shout it from the
roof tops to anyone who needs to hear it- ITS WORTH IT. YOU’RE WORTH
IT. KEEP FIGHTING. THERE'S SO MUCH LIGHT AND HAPPINESS ON THE OTHER
SIDE!!!
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Thank you to everyone who responded, for your kind messages of hope and vulnerability and for making me feel so loved and valued! This is something I will never forget!
