Happy 30th Birthday to Me!

The older I get the more I realize that life is a lot less like a blank canvas that I get to paint, but more an entire sky of stars, the constellations set in place long before I ever discover them. As I follow the North Star I begin connecting the dots of the enchanting night. I was always meant to be with him, they were always suppose to be mine, and I was made to be here, right now, in this place. Turning 30!

For some people birthdays are not that big of a deal. I feel quite the opposite of that and now- landing in a new decade feels most monumental. I can't help myself. I have a thing for landmarks, milestones, and new beginnings. I'm also obsessed with looking back and seeing the journey and how far I've come.

And there is something about saying "good bye" to your 20's isn't there? It's a unique decade and you know it while you're in it. The thing is though, you almost come to believe that you will never leave it. It's your "prime" and time for change. These years really set your life on a course. You start them out still practically a child but you leave them with your the first permanent lines on your face, a bit weathered and worn, the weight you didn't know you had at 20 has now already gone through a transformation and settled into new areas of your thighs and hips. (yes, even for me.)

As I turned 28 I started freaking out about how close I was to 30. I don't even know why, there was just something unnerving about it all. It's the first time I realized that life will keep moving. Time never stops no matter how much it felt like it did during those late nights on the beach or while sitting through a college lecture class. Walking down frozen roads day after day, that long night before my wedding, or those painful months of pregnancy. The dark hours nursing a baby. But No. All of those kept adding up, building upon each other. Painful, yet beautiful math equations of life. Moving, ever moving me farther down my timeline. And I guess if it's possible to turn 30, that means one day I could indeed end up being 90!

At least, I hope so.

But this past year being 29, I started noticing 20-something year olds and I realized something. I'm just.... NOT. I feel 30. And I feel like I've earned it. Like it's some sort of warrior badge I get to claim. Does every decade feel so epic? I'm not sure but I've got ten more years now before I'll find out!

I've tried very hard to live a full life, filled with adventures, new experiences, friends, family, and progress. Being the last year of my 20's felt special to me so I set out to make it as filled to the brim as possible!  But first I'd like to look back on this decade!

In summation, I ended the last decade by hiking the entire Grand Canyon rim to rim, about two weeks before I turned 20. I feel that set a path for me. From 20-29 years old I- got to live in Hawaii, and then went back two more times! I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints for 18 months in the country of Armenia! I graduated college with a BA in Sociology. I road tripped across the country twice. Traveled to many states and Brazil. I got married to my best friend! I carried and gave birth to two perfect little girls. I attended more weddings and funerals than I can count right now and I skinny dipped in numerous bodies of water. I made dozens of people think I was from different countries with my fake accents. I sang, I photographed, I wrote. I picked yellow flowers on the side of the road after my car broke down. I dated, I broke up. Engraved certain friends in my heart. And as I look back I see that I am MORE of myself than I ever thought possible. From rim to rim I've hiked this decade and I feel like I can see the canyon filled with those years. And now I am ready to move forward.

To make this year one to remember I made a goal to write in my journal every single day. I've been keeping a regular journal since I was 17 years old but for a while it was more like a once a month thing. I wanted this year to be memorable, so what better way than to literally make it that way by forever preserving the details of my sacred, boring days? It's been hard to do but I've done it! And I feel really proud.

I also worked hard on checking off life goals. This past year I milked a cow, had my palms read, learned to french braid, got a pet bearded dragon, bought a corset, got my dream calling in church with the youth in the Young Women's organization, I learned the flying trapeze, picked black berries, went to the west coast and the east coast,  touched the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, saw the sunset over the west ocean and the sunrise over the east, went to a sky lantern festival, stayed the night at a lighthouse, I was (one of) the first person (people) in America that the sunlight touched one day, I rode in an old train. And now I am ending this decade/beginning the new one with another life goal-  throwing a masquerade ball!

 I also feel like I worked hard on myself as a person, trying to overcome weaknesses and such. That's an entire life journey of course but I know that I am still progressing and that's what matters. 

There were big events this year too! I became an aunt!  And got a new brother in law! I got a new camera. We remodeled the kitchen cabinets and floors and got a patio. We went to the dinosaur national monument. I attended girls camp with the young women. My in laws moved here from North Carolina! We traveled to Oregon and Maine! We also celebrated our five year wedding anniversary.and I made a huge step and bought studio photography equipment and became the coordinator over a charity event happening next month!

It's just... been a big decade and a big last year of my 20's!

To start off the next one I have plans for starting a non profit and (unrelated to that) learning to play the violin! And who knows what else will happen in ten years- maybe this decade I will chase a tornado, learn German or Swahili, go hang gliding, dye my hair red, or make my own green house/winter sanctuary. The possibilities are endless and I'm excited! 

As you can see, this post has a lot of photos of .... me... and while that feels a little awkward I decided to do it. I made Buck snap these photos of me this past week so that I can look back and see how I looked as I turned 30. Because while I look the oldest I ever have before (duh) I hear it's nice to be able to look back and marvel at how young you looked in years gone by. I made a point to not Photoshop anything besides minor tweaks to lighting and such. But I left the lines forming around my eyes and on my forehead.  I didn't even shower the day that we did these. I have this plan to embrace aging, to love it for the wisdom it brings and the lines that represent laughing and laying in the sun. (and we'll see how well this plan actually goes haha.) I actually have permanent lines on my left forearm but not my right one. It was a mystery to me and one that was freaking me out until I realized that they had formed from holding my babies all the time on that side. That changed my perspective. Now I feel like I have a story written on my arm and I love it.

So here's to getting older and loving it. To new chapters and five minute photo shoots every time.  Here's to the moments we race through, the ones we try to press pause on, the long days, the long nights, and the bewilderment of growing up.