When Buck Leaves

The first night was unbearable. The dark autumn evening surrounded our little house and sucked out the sounds of the world, except for the rumble of the furnace. I sat down by the fireplace and felt the heat on my back; I wanted to cry but felt like that would be a silly and near sighted thing for me to do. He was only going to be gone for four nights. Around me there were women filling this planet with no husband home. Maybe he was off in the military. Maybe he left her. Maybe he died.

Oh gosh. What would I do if Buck died?

. . . .

I decided that I would do best going to bed and reading a book. That would distract me, right?

But I ended up just laying there. The furnace turned off.

Silence.

“Is this what it would feel like?” I wondered. “Not the first week after or even maybe the first month- but would this be how the 'normal' nights would feel after all the commotion had ended? Empty? Pointless? Would I ever be able to bring myself to clean out his side of the closet or would I keep all his shirts there for years? Would I stay on the right side of the bed?”

Thinking...
was a bad idea that night.
Then June let out a little sleep cry from her room. No, we couldn't do it alone!

The thoughts snow balled from there until I was a weepy mess of a pregnant woman, lost in her mind thinking her husband had actually died.

My imagination mixed with these hormones... whew! What a trip!

And I cried for a good hour. “What the heck?!” I thought, “Why not let myself feel something?” as I threw my hands above my head and let my face sink deeper into my pillow.




Suddenly from the front room my dog barked as if he sensed danger. Instant pins and pricks seared my body. This was it! I knew there would be trouble if Buck left me here!


But of course, Abe calmed down as soon as he started. Yet the terror and anxiety that filled me stopped all tears and I laid there frozen for a time. After I finally got up and got my mace on my bed stand, ready to use, (you know, just in case,) I finally fell off into dream land.

And as all nights tend to do, it ended. Rolled right up under the heat of the rising sun. And with the new morning came a new idea. Maybe, just maybe God would let Buck live many days with me because shoot, if I keep living the nightmare of him dying in my head so realistically, perhaps God will think that's enough. Right?

. . .

Crazy pregnant lady thoughts.

The rest of the week was filled with a sick day isolated inside, three doctors visits, attempts to celebrate Halloween and then our car breaking down. After all of this I declare that no husband of mine is allowed to leave ever again!

. . . except that I know he had a good time at his conference. And he's warned me that these things will happen at least once a year...

But maybe at least he can stick around during the times I'm pregnant and crazy...

(and don't worry mom, don't feel bad that you couldn't come and stay the week with us. I'm sure this was just something that I needed to go through.) ;)