The Solution

Reasons why I’m lost, having a quarter life crisis: (see previous blog)

I know now. Before being married or even considering it, I sent many pieces of myself away. Away on ships and airplanes and cars; to Africa, Armenia, Maine- anywhere; Islands, and deserts and mountains. Into May, June, and July. And I sent them there knowing that I was going to go and get them. It was like stock. I was invested.

There’s one place that I didn’t put anything into though.

Orem. Utah.

So what on earth do I do now that I’m here? And now that I may never go there?

Will I?

I am lost.

I am all over this world, scattered. Broken. I am anywhere but here.

There was another very large piece of me though that does belong here. It resides in him. It goes wherever he is. I’d been saving that piece my whole life. When I’m with him I do feel whole.

Mostly.

Is it bad that I wanted these other things too for my life?

For these reasons my life feels very compartmentalized. It makes sense to me now. When people ask me how I’m doing I ask them “which category?”

“If you’re asking about my married life then to you I say- It’s great! Best decision of my life!”

“If you’re asking about my ‘job’ life then to you I say- …not so good…”

Besides, the world tells me that I am to define who I am by what I do. So does God. But God and the world usually mean it in two different ways.

And all I know is that now I see no other path than to try and become some business-woman of Orem.

Orem.

We talked about all this last night. He came up with a good point, he did. My darling husband.

“Maybe the whole point is that you were never suppose to spread yourself over the globe in broken pieces, but maybe the point is that you are suppose to keep them and make them whole so that when you do go to all these places- you go there with your whole heart instead.”

He’s the brains of this relationship.

I’m the drama.

And he’s right.

 He made a very good point.

Insightful. Theoretical.

So now it’s a matter of me accepting the truth. To get those pieces back. In a sense to give up on those plans and dreams. For now. I cannot become whole. I cannot walk forward with one foot in Utah and the other stretched out in Tanzania- on the ground, doing inter-continental splits.

No. It’s time for me to stand up and learn to love who I can be. Here. In Utah.

I guess.

Sigh *

I could of made it though. Out there. I swear I could of. I would have made it to those places. I would have been a very helpful servant and a successful vagabond.

But in the end, I would be nothing without him. I’ll give the pieces to him. He who is so selfless with me, he who is doing everything to make a life for us.

For us.