Now and Then

"This is good-bye forever," she read, "We can't be friends anymore."
24 year old Amber read the 14 year old Amber's note to me as I sat on the floor laughing now at such a then tragic note.

One of many fights in middle school between friends. It was a dramatic time.

Amber and I have known each other since first grade. We were in the same class and on that first day of school as we were all sitting down on the rug to go over the weather chart- we introduced ourselves, our little six year old selves.

19 years later.
"Hi I'm Anna." and "Hi I'm Amber." Has found her sitting on my bed as I clean out my room. My museum.

I find so much of her and all my friends in my room. I swear I saved everything. Every note, every present, every stuffed animal and nick-knack. Every picture.

And everything that I gathered on my trips over the country and globe. Sand from Brazil. Shells from Hawaii. A water bottle from France and candy from England. Post cards from Montana. Boxes full of Armenian memories. Bahamian money. Disneyworld tickets.  Alligator teeth from Louisiana. Canadian chocolate. A rock from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

We discussed the odd number of people that I have known who have passed away. 16 was it? Some I knew well and others not as close, but for some reason I always went to the funerals. The first being my grandma's when I was ten. I had saved funeral programs, a bullet from my Grandpa's military farewell, flowers from Keith and Nancy's graves. A box of pancake mix given to me from my friend Ashlee not long before she died. I remember the last time I saw each of these people and the last words I ever heard them say. And I always will.

I've tripled my wedding attendance and I stored the wedding mints and bubbles for some reason.

I have many pictures and trinkets of previous pets. Whether they be cats, ferrets, rats, birds, crabs, hamsters, fish- or a lizard that Alyse and I stole from Arizona when we were kids. I have several stuffed animals of the ones that I wish could be pets like monkeys and sea otters.

And the collections. Oh the collections I started. Collections of bubble gum, key chains, hotel shampoos, figurines, stuffed animals, coins and money, state quarters, plates, music boxes, and perfume. Each collection having been significantly contributed to.
And then there's the "I Love Lucy" collection. Years and years have gone into that. A large shelf spanning side to side on the wall recently hung, jam-packed with Lucy memorabilia. Until now that is.

I could go on and on about the odd things I found as I rummaged through the mess, my life- through me. Feather boas, crayons, calendars, notebooks, pens, chap stick, various gumball machines, pirate things, hand cuffs, pranks, costumes, 1990's C.D.s, and an old packet full of information about Anna and Alyse's "Combination Club."

"But I will always remember you in my heart." She continued to read, "I wont forget all the memories."

So much of me is represented in those things, in that room. Who I was and what I thought I wanted. What I still want. And what I have. It all somehow brought me here- living in an apartment in Orem Utah. 24 years old and thriving. A newlywed. Happy.

I guess I saved all those things for this past weekend then. The day I would look through it all and remember.

I got rid of a lot, I think. But I also couldn't let go of certain things and they now live in a box.
And there they will wait until I have to clean up again I guess.
And take a day to remember.

We never really get rid of anything though. Or friendships. No matter how many dramatic endings we try to have. No matter how often we clean out our old stuff. Years later not much has changed. I still have the memories and pieces in me.

And Amber still comes over.