On My Drive

Blue skies, white land- I drive to think. All three of my girls seem to be pacified by the constant hum of the rolling tires, there are no messes to be made or cleaned. Just a road.

This time last year I was just weeks away from embarking on my journey back to Armenia, a journey that also opened up the kind of photographer I really wish to be. The photo workshop was amazing- it taught me in all the ways I never expected it to. And being in Armenia was so healing. And then I came home and started a non profit and did things for that. 

But I also came home from that journey and got pregnant. A pregnancy that was very much wanted, but you know, I felt sick, then huge. And taking the photographs that I wanted to got put on the back burner. And now a year later... it's still back there.

And I don't know what to do with it once I pick it back up. Do I care if people care or appreciate it? Or do I do it just for myself, even if the talent begs for an audience? What do I even have to add to the billions of photographs already out there? Is there a way to do what I really want to do while having young kids at home?

And what about that non profit anyway? What the devil am I doing with it this year? It's weird when you create your own "maternity leave." Like, should I be done with that by now or be like a Canadian and take a year off? (Canadians know what's up!) Okay, but to be fair I do have a meeting with the refugee organization next week to plan for some up coming projects. But I'm so rusty right now, I'm scared I'm going to show up and blubber around the meeting. Am I allowed to admit that?

Because I just kind of sort of don't really know where I'm going right now. Last year I had so much direction and now? I feel aimless. 

So I drive on.