No Coincidence

You may remember that this last October we experienced a miscarriage. And if you read that post then you might remember when I wrote about this:

"That night Buck's sister and her husband took the girls so that we could have some time together. Buck and I have shared many things together thus far- peace, happiness, fears, each others' burdens, sadness, yes- but that evening was new. In the quiet of our little living room, the bronze light pushing through the blinds, falling onto us, we took a sacred moment and allowed ourselves to share a sorrow. 

"So we went to the store looking for something to plant. I didn't want anything dramatic or over kill, . . . but I wanted to make something grow and live since I had lost my chance to do so for the moment. But of course the garden centers are filling up with fake Christmas trees already and we almost gave up until on our way out we saw some bags of flower bulbs. 'Fall planting for spring blooming' read the bag. How fitting, I marveled.

  "A little hug from a loving Heavenly Father, to be manifested in tiny purple flowers this spring. "

 

Early this spring we noticed them starting to reach out of the cold dirt, pushing past the layer of old leaves, climbing towards the warm sun. They started at the end of March and blossomed over the month of April.

I was happy we had planted them. They were a sweet reminder. 

But how odd that during this same time my doctor was telling me that she thought I wasn't ovulating. Yet how odd that she was wrong. And while these purple shoots grew tall, I was unknowingly pregnant already. Out of all the months of the year! A child was created the month I was going to originally give birth.  I suppose I can't help but find all the poetic beauty in it. 

It's been a ride though, already. I stalled for a few weeks before taking a test. I was nervous to find out either way. I just didn't want to know. And as soon as I saw that strong + sign on the test, the very first sensation I had was one of fear. And it filled me up from my head to my toes. I knew I would be more nervous if we got pregnant again, but I had no idea that ALL I would feel was anxiety and fear. 

I felt like I had to be the voice of reason if excitement ever came up from someone who knew, "Well, we'll see what happens!" I would warn. Feeling excited felt foolish and irresponsible. But what it really was was being vulnerable- and that can be a hard thing to be sometimes. 

But I believe that the mark of a truly strong and wise person is a person who can allow themselves to be open to hurt. Someone who will let in happiness and excitement, even knowing that could cause them pain later on. Because everything in life is a gamble, really. And if I spend all my days building walls against any kind of hurt then I also build walls against wonderful, sweet emotions. 

But yet, I can usually think through it logically like that but sometimes it's harder to get my heart on board. So it's been a constant back and forth struggle for me these past several weeks. Sometimes I felt bad for not having more faith. Not just faith to have a baby, but faith that it would be okay if we didn't have the baby. But I've also learned that life is meant to hurt, cause anxiety and fear sometimes. We learn from it all. I also like how Buck put it though: this pregnancy we just are aware of a wider range and spectrum of feelings than we have been before. Now we have life experience behind the myriad of emotions. 

So anyway- I still feel a little scared to post this and announce it, perhaps still a little foolish. It's easier to tell someone "Hey, I had a miscarriage" when they never knew I was pregnant than it is to tell someone who knew the joyous news. It's like having "Congratulations!" confetti thrown all around you but then having to set it all to flames. But WHATEVER. There are too many dangers and risks in life to never announce our at-the-time happy news! 

So here I am. 13 weeks pregnant! And it's starting to really show ALREADY so I figured I'd better spill the beans. And as for the due date? 

DECEMBER 22nd

The worst week in the whole year and world to have a baby. Poor kid! 

But we'll make it work. ;) 

We're just grateful and HAPPY to be sharing this news. 

And here is my silly little announcement I am using to announce it everywhere else but here, where I ramble and ramble about all the behind the scenes. ;) I had a hard time choosing between some so you guys get a few. 

Thank you all for your support through the years and especially this year with all the announcements that seem to keep coming! :)