The blessings and promises are easy to want- to be with my family together forever, to have peace, to have hope. But following this lifestyle is not always easy. But I believe it will be worth it. It already is!
Lately there have been some happenings in my life and in those of people close to me that have made the reality of my life slip. I've been living my life with the hope and question of "what if this church is true?!" and that has always been such a happy and exciting thing to ponder that I never fully stepped into the other side of that question: "What if this church isn't true?"
For me personally, that thought brought with it a lot of darkness and sadness. It stripped away purpose and meaning in life. It took away my forever family. It painted my mind with eternal black and ... nothingness. It wasn't just a matter of losing all that I grew up with and knew, but I was losing everything that I wanted.
I became fearful that maybe I could lose my faith. What if I searched deep inside myself and discovered that I didn't actually believe? I was scared and weepy about it. But then I realized/remembered that what I believe is a choice. It's not something I'm born with. I get to decide. That's what I've been doing all along. And so I made the decision again. This is what I WANT.
It's been an interesting summer as I've taken my mind to new places but in the end I feel more convicted than before. And today I want to share with my small corner of the world that I believe in God! I believe in Jesus Christ! I still have questions- I certainly don't know everything. But God has given me enough. I have felt His spirit too many times now to turn my back and deny Him. He is real. I have felt Him.
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Below is a little one minute video about General Conference. It happens every April and October where the leaders of the church, both male and female, give us guidance and encouragement. It's like super bowl weekend twice a year. But you know, with a lot less nachos and footballs.
5 comments:
I love this! This is also the kind of post that will be especially neat for your kids to see as they are growing and searching for their own testimony. Also, I have never heard anyone pray like you, I love the way you really TALK with our Heavenly Father.
It looks like we've been having a lot of the same thoughts and struggles this summer. You know, we are like that...going through the same crap at the same time :)
Thanks for being brave to share it. I have only to Logan and my neighbor (and once in testimony meeting. you should have seen the look on everyones faces, they thought I was just about to denounce my religion, it was so funny. But don't worry I also shared how I overcame my doubts) It does scare people. Especially because it seems like so many are leaving the church right now. I've decided that the primary answers arn't good enough for me right now. So I strive to go to the temple and read more conference talks. I know the Book of Mormon is true. That I can not deny! Therefore, the church is true (and oh so good!).
You know, thinking this over has made me guess that if I were truly honest about my moments of low faith, I could probably blame them on "I'm exhausted and maybe I don't want this to be true anymore." And it's not just exhaustion from trying to do the right things, sometimes it's exhaustion from bearing too many struggles. Those times really do turn into priority checks more than anything else. And thankfully, the memories of those amazing moments experiencing the Spirit in the past manage to keep me hopeful and guide my decisions stick with things. It just takes a sliver of that warmth and light to awaken me so that I decide yes, this is all worth it. And I love it.
You have two fathers who are very pleased with how you have chosen to live your life. The church is true, and it is the only path to true happiness!
interesting because i have had some of the same thoughts this past year. and i've never really had them before. and i haven't told anyone this. but once again i've seen the power of the priesthood in my home and am continually reminded that the things i believe are real. thanks for sharing.
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