First Trimester- Story Time

Dramatic photo, Maine 2015

I never thought I'd end up with four kids, or a "big family." I grew up with one sister. And in fact, I'm not sure I ever thought too much about my future in general. When I was younger everything seemed like such an adventure but one that I didn't have full control over. Things like college I knew my path but when it came to dating, marriage, and starting a family, I honestly had no idea either way if I'd ever find "the one" and if so if we'd even be fertile or what would happen or how many kids? But had you asked me straight up how many kids I hoped to have, I probably would have said two or three.

Then I did meet my one and only and I did get married! Who knew?! 

But there is no way to tell this story without adding in my very strong belief and relationship with God. I'm very religious and so when it comes to family matters, I feel that God's plan is the best plan and we've tried to stay close to Him through this life to best know what steps to take.

I figured we'd take a good year or so of being newlyweds before having a baby but then, a couple months in, we felt we were to stop birth control and BOOM. June was conceived the next month.

I was scared to be pregnant and give birth but over all I was excited and bewildered that I was going to start the journey of mother. 

There was never a choice in my mind after that if we would have another child or not. I yearned for June to have at least one sibling to love and fight with.  But after severe postpartum depression, I was TERRIFIED to do it, but when I was ready enough, we were lucky to get our Hazel! 

My pregnancy with Hazel was awful, yet the whole time I knew in my heart that I would be pregnant at least one more time. And the next time we wanted the kids to be closer together so we got pregnant when Hazel was about 18 months. But that lead to a miscarriage, and that lead to it taking longer to get pregnant again. 

But then Rose came! Being pregnant after a miscarriage is not super fun. You hold yourself back from being happy, thinking you are protecting yourself from further pain and hurt. It's a mind battle. But regardless, we wanted Rose very much and were thrilled to have her with us!

But then. Rose was a newborn. And I felt so unsettled. I didn't "know" if we were done or not, all I knew was what I WANTED. I wanted to be done. And I wanted to KNOW that. I had postpartum depression again after Rose. And I kept hearing friends say that they were done having kids because their mental health couldn't handle it. That seemed true for me too! But yet other friends would talk about how "you just know when you're done. There is something there and you know it." 

And I didn't know it. 

And that made me upset. 

But God kept teaching me, humbling me, whispering, nudging- in very personal ways. And before Rose was even out of newborn stage, I knew and finally admitted that we were NOT done. There was ONE more. Buck felt it too. 

Why did I even have to be thinking of this while Rose was newborn anyway?! Couldn't I wait to cross that daunting bridge till later? But looking back, I was the most humble and ready to listen at that time of life, so I know I needed to hear it then. Because then the months went on and Rose was not super easy (not super hard either but not easy like she had been as a newborn) and three kids was NOT easy, and as the time went the more my heart hardened. And it may have hardened, see, but the truth was already inside of it so there was no going back. 

But I thought, "well fine then! But I am going to wait a while!" Because life with three kids had me drowning! DROWNING. I was a hot mess mom, the one they make memes of. The one people look at and judge in public. The one where friends keep tell me how to parent and give advice that I didn't even ask for. The one with no control. The one who cries a few times a week at night because she is failing everything in life. NO WAY was I ready to take another weight with me into the deep end! 

But as nursing ended with Rose and it was time to figure out birth control... the prompting was clear. Don't prevent this- Move forward with faith. 

And so we did and BOOM- it happened so fast! I cried with fear when I took the pregnancy test!* And I feel horrible about that, man, let me tell you. This kid is probably like, "Great! I'm getting jipped! My mom is crazy!" But you GUYS! I am not skilled enough for four kids! I am going to DIE!!!! 

DIE!!!!

Okay, okay, deep breaths.**

But God has been so good, despite all my fears. With all three other pregnancies I was so sick and it was awful. But this time? Aside from an awful week of influenza, I haven't been sick or nauseous at all! And it's been wonderful! (but also made me paranoid something must be wrong, ha) I had no idea being pregnant could feel so.... normal. I FEEL LIKE I WON THE LOTTERY. I've had three ultrasounds already and every time as I'm looking at a REAL baby, I honestly question if they are actually grabbing those images from MY belly or not. I'm not sick and wasn't I just here doing this pregnant thing like a year ago? But I guess there must be a baby in there because my belly is really starting to get huge.

And it's jarring to cry so many nights because I feel like I'm failing the three girls I have and then to remember there's another baby coming. I feel like a fool! I marvel that so many women have done this through the history of the world and had even more than this- and they lived through it! I used to look at people around my age who had their fourth babies and I thought that they must be experts by that point. Well if any of you think that way then do not look over this way because I am no expert, that's for sure! haha

And to find out it's actually a boy! We didn't think it was possible! haha. And everyone is all excited for us to "finally" have a boy but I was kind of hoping for another girl because I know girls! I don't know a thing about little boys! I'm honestly scared and I think I need therapy to be ready for this new adventure. ;) I was so excited for Buck to have a son though, so so excited. He's never been one to only wish he had a son, he has been thrilled with his daughters, but I know there is something special between and mother/daughter and a father/son. I've started calling Buck and this baby the "book end boys" since Buck's the oldest and this little guy will be the youngest. It makes me feel better because otherwise a boy at the end of three girls seems off balanced. But whatever, he's going to have FOUR moms and he's going to be extra awesome because of it. ;)

So anyway, that's an overview of it all. Yes, all that rambling and it's only the surface of thoughts and emotions that have gone into this. I had no idea how personal and intimate the decision to have another kid could be between a couple and a person and God. But man alive, I do now! Ultimately I am deeply grateful at this chance to make a choice that shows how strongly I believe in God and my purpose here on earth. If I wasn't sure or had any doubts- I would not be doing any of this! But I know God lives. He knows me and He has a plan for us and our family and this little boy is a huge part of that- so onward I go!  Onward we go. Further into this tangled beautiful mess of a life.

Maine 2015

(*This is all so scary to share, btw. I know how it can come across. "She's selfish, being upset about a so-far healthy pregnancy when so many others are struggling to even get pregnant once! Or even get married to start a family!" I get that. I do! But I've had to come to accept that everyone's trials are different. And typically our greatest blessings are also our greatest trials. And I think it's a good thing when we can all share what we're going through and be okay if that's different for each of us. And it is possible to be grateful for your blessings but also scared for them haha.)

(**In summation- it's not that I don't want another kid it's that I don't think that I can handle another kid. I don't think I'm "good enough" or skilled or capable. But I am trying to have faith that God can strengthen me.)