I had postpartum depression after giving birth to my first, June. Except I didn't know much about it, I don't even know if I believed it was real or not. But it blind-sighted me and rocked me to my core. It provided me with some of the darkest shadows that still lurk around my heart.
In the whirl of confusing emotions I found myself on a jet ski two weeks after giving birth and four weeks later on roller coasters at Lagoon. Of all the horrible ways to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary! We could have gotten massages and taken naps but no- roller coasters and corn dogs. It was a sweltering August day and Buck and I walked around the amusement park like the tired new parent zombies (technical term) that we were. When I had to go to the car to pump my engorged and painful breasts, we called it a day.
No surprise, it took me a lot longer to heal. And don't even ask me how I survived the postpartum depression. I'm still not sure. But I learned my lesson.
After Hazel was born I vowed to stay on the couch taking naps while holding my baby for weeks on end. She was born mid February and so after a few weeks of taking it slow, the weather was starting to shine and glisten in early spring tones and I was able to make my way back out into the world gently. Yes, there were hard and tiring days, as can be expected, but the scary depression stayed away!
And why on earth am I writing about any of this?
Because.
It's back.
But this time I know what it is and a lot of ways to combat it. I have good people I am able to go for it, to talk to. I was prepared in case it happened.
And while the statistics tell me, "You're not the only one, it's so common to have postpartum depression!" I have found that, over the years of trying to talk about it, most women I know didn't have it, or maybe they just didn't want to talk about it. Either way, maybe I am somewhat alone in this.
One thing I know for sure: having a baby at the beginning of winter is not ideal. At least not for me. The lack of light, the idea of going out in the cold and slush with three little girls is not appetizing. But normally I am one to get out, a lot. I like to explore and adventure. Not sit in my little home. (but it's totally fine if anyone reading this does like to sit at home! We're all different and that's wonderful.) But you guys, I also don't want my baby to get RSV. I don't want to crash on the slick roads. And, well, some days it takes all my energy to fight what's in my head.
SO! I feel like I have truly been hibernating. I tried the whole hygge thing. But sometimes I feel more trapped than comfy cozy. Like, I'm in a cave. So, I think I'm hibernating. And that's why I haven't had much of anything to say here, no photos to really post. I just let my kids play in their room. We eat dinner. Go to bed. Feels the same every day. It's kind of killer but I've also learned that it's okay to take a break; to curl up in a ball and slumber, even if it's mentally (since you know, I'm awake more than asleep due to a newborn.)
None of this is to complain or a cry for help. It's actually a bit terrifying to put this out there since I normally hold personal things like this locked deep, but I feel like exposing it pokes a hole in the distorted reality I experience otherwise. And I'm okay. I'll be fine! I will. I always am. And I've had such amazing friends and family rally around and help, it's been amazing and taught me how to be better person.
At least once spring hits.
Until then, I'll be living for the Zzzz's.
12 comments:
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story.
Some blogs and instagram accounts showing only the smiling faces (which is totally fine too) make you forget that there are the many other parts of life as well. I don't blame anybody for not sharing painful, chaotic or boring or depressing or whatever parts of their lives, but I'm grateful if someone does share some of those moments. I don't know how I will feel after having my baby, but who knows may be your words will be exactly what I need to read. Wishing you sunny winter days and that springs comes early this year :)
I think a lot of women have postpartum depression and don't realize it. I don't think I ever had it, but maybe I did. I do know I felt totally overwhelmed after my oldest was born. Maybe that qualifies, but I'm not sure. Everyone goes through hormonal changes after giving birth, of course, which brings on a lot of mood swings, and that is bad enough without depression on top of that! I'm sorry you are going through this. I am an introvert and don't like to go out a lot, but even I started to feel "pent up" and trapped after a few weeks of not doing much besides feeding a baby. So I'm sure that staying home is really hard for you! You're smart to stay in--I did have one baby get RSV and that wasn't fun. Winter isn't my best season either. :) Hang in there, spring is coming!!
❤️The people who won't say much are the ones who needed this most. Sharing matters!❤️
One breath, one day at a time. Love you girl. Spring will come, and it will be glorious!
I'm sorry I haven't been any help. I know just a nap or two might make a difference. I haven't had postpartum depression but I was sick the whole year after having Zane. My immune system was shot. It was a zombie life. Honestly I look back and other than being sick I don't remember much about his first year. I think it's great to share our experiences so we know we aren't alone and so we can be more sensitive to those who are in need. I hope you are taking vitamin D. We tend to be deficient here and it can help with depression. Bless you!
Thanks for sharing this and I'm sad you are going through this. My first was a November Baby and we lived in a cold basement and it was HARD! It may have been depression but I don't know, it was just Hard! I think all babies need to be Spring from here on out...or maybe I'm just done having babies :) Almost ;)I hope the sun starts shining soon!
I am sorry you are dealing with this again friend! You know I am always up for a visit or taking the girls for a few hours. Let me know what I can do to help.
I feel like curling up in my cave and sleeping all winter too. I guess I can't call it post partum depression if my last babies are 14, but I think sometimes we just need to slow down and feel in order to heal.
You're not alone in feeling trapped. I get that still during the winter and he's two!!!
Winter is hard enough.- Armenia taught us that. But the fear (terror, even??) of illness and RSV coupled with it took its toll on me, too. And that sleeplessness on top of it?! It is just so hard to stay in touch with reality when you're not sleeping enough! Stay strong, quyrik. It will pass (and be for our good!) in a month or two!
I had postpartum depression after each one of my kids. I didn't get the help and medication I needed until my 3rd. I actually enjoyed motherhood and my baby when I was on Zoloft. There was such a difference. Thank you for sharing this and helping others too. There is nothing wrong with asking for and receiving help.
Blah. But a beautiful post. Such a poignant description. I should come over on Friday and we can load up the girls and find a fresh flower shop. We'll make spring come a little sooner. 🌺🌸🌺
Well I know we've talked on the phone so I don't know how much more I can say here but it sounds like you've gotten a lot of good advice. I did have depression after you were born and I don't know if it was because you were born in November and it was starting to snow and be cold and dark but it probably had something to do with it. You were a happy baby so that helped for me to get over it a little quicker but I know I had to get some help to eventually feel better. I never had an outlet where I could really speak to very many people about it and get the support I wanted and depression wasn't really talked about as much in my day so I hope that talking helps. I am sorry it's been hard for you.
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