I Miss You

When I was in Armenia I was fiercely homesick. I never expected to be, I thought I was a vagabond at heart who could make the world her home but yet there I was. Sick in every way. As a missionary you're suppose to focus on the work and not be distracted and so to top it all off I also felt guilty. How odd to feel sinful for missing home and my family! But it was a confusing time. So one day in a meeting with my mission president I "confessed."

I expected him to say, "Well sister! Forget yourself and get to work!" But instead he surprised me as he started to tell a story.

"When I was in Hawaii on vacation with my family, I had to leave a few days earlier than them for work. When it was time for me to leave I got to the airport early but became so overwhelmed with the grief of missing my family that I left and drove back to them just to see them one more time before I left. And I was only going to be apart from them a few days!

"That taught me a powerful lesson. It gave me a taste of how it feels to miss my family. And it showed me a glimpse of the pain I would feel if I didn't live my best life now and ended up not being able to live with them for eternity.

"I have found that emotional pains far outweigh that of any physical pains. 

"So use this sadness you feel to motivate you in life. Never forget it. Do everything you can so that you can be with your family forever."

He always knew the perfect thing to say. He didn't tell me to buck up- quite the opposite! He told me to allow myself to feel the pain. He told me to learn from it.

And he also taught me something powerful about missing someone or something, even if he didn't know he was at the time. As I thought on his counsel I realized that even though missing my family sucked it was actually a blessing. I had a family! And a family worth missing! I realized that I was feeling one of the most blessed pains life could serve.

To miss.

Because having something or someone in your life and then having that taken away can bring a pain unlike anything else. The absence can be so silent that it nearly kills you. Where there was once warmth, now there is cold.

So now when I miss anything I ask myself why. Like, why do I miss summer and the heat? Because I know what summer feels like so I am privileged to miss it. Why do I miss the people I do? Because I was blessed to know them in the first place. Why do I miss sleep? Because I know how good it feels to have a good night! Why do I miss ANYTHING?! Because there was something I knew that is worth missing.

So while I could have a life void of missing anything, that would be a different kind of empty. One that could not be refilled with memories because there would be none to be had.

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the people that I miss. For all the places and the smells and the lights. All of it. And I'm grateful for the fears that I have. My deepest fears all lead to a fear of ever having to miss particular people. And for those of you who hold that deepest fear I want you to know how worth it you are. I would miss you and I would be lucky.

But, as my mission president said, the true balm comes when I think that one day I wont have to miss a thing. That if I use this life for what it's worth then I can be with those I love for forever! One day to never miss again.