All is Well

You might have seen me standing under the blue sky and a firework of green leaves. And if you had seen me, you would have watched as I stood there silently, a small baby crying on a blanket and a small toddler crying on the grass. The saddest tears magnifying their blue eyes while mine grew ever more grey, looking forward but through it all.

You might have noticed the breeze as it tickled the shade covered lawn. You most definitely would have heard their sobs, the notes of their needs falling constantly on the purple petals of my peonies. Falling, continuously falling like rain again and again and again, flooding the sunny day with impossible waves of wants that I could not meet.

I suppose it would be obvious that this was an overwhelming moment you stumbled upon. The new summer air tried to hide it, but it's there nonetheless. But perhaps there are somethings you cannot see.

Do eyes ever fully recognize the surrender?
Or the breaking of a soul?

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Some (a lot of) times it can be hard to be a mom. But I'm too afraid to talk about it. The reason? It's not your judgements of me, it's not that I feel alone in this. It's because some of these greatest difficulties of my life come from my greatest blessings. And that's hard for me to reconcile. There are too many wonderful couples out there wanting a baby- a family- but unable to for some seemly cruel reason beyond my comprehension. And so I think that they would do anything to have my luck AND my trials. Would they not willingly take my long days of crying children? Then why am I so pathetic? 

It's not that I am ungrateful, it's really not. But yet, no matter how much I reverence the gifts I've been given, I still cannot deny that they have provided some of my darkest moments. Often times this makes me feel like a selfish failure.

That's all really. I have no conclusions. Life is a bizarre spiral of blessings and hardships, the two joined together in some divine plan that I don't always understand. Everything somehow a blessing and a curse. An opposition to all things. Perhaps because of this the greatest blessings produce the greatest sorrows to balance each other out.

And don't misunderstand me. I am not always breaking down. There are so many good homespun moments from having my little family. Over all I am happy and despite the hard times I would never in a billion years trade any of this for a life of ease. And when times get hard I will always think about the hymn "Come Come Ye Saints" and, since this post has no direction- why not? I'm going to leave this post now with my favorite two verses:

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!