Light Writing

{All photos you will see were taken by me with film- either from high school or early college days.}

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There’s no pretty way to start this.

It’s a brain dump that’s been waiting to happen, clouds gathering and swelling- white to grey into black.

Photography.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of photos, film strips, amber glowing lights, jpegs, and a million “clicks”  later I am finally asking myself- What is the point? Is this worth it? And do I even have what it really takes?

Carrie's feet

When I was in the play “Annie” I was only 14 years old. I was just an awkward teen cast into the ensemble, but even then I was granted a head shot to be displayed on a board with all the other cast members. The photographer was the lady who played Miss Hannigan.

I remember looking at the photo she took of me. It was sepia tone and I was in focus but the background was blurred. Up until that point I had only had photos taken of me at some studio with blue and egg shell marbled back drops or from a disposable camera. I guess I had never thought about the quality of a photo before. But as I ran my fingers over the mat finish of my head shot a determined and life changing thought went through my mind, “I must learn how to take a photo like this.”

Vermont

“Miss Hannigan” became my hero. She mentored me and let me follow her around once while she photographed a wedding.

Somehow that summer I obtained my first SLR film camera. And that fall, as a new freshman in high school, I started photography classes.

It was kind of a new class to have in a high school and so the only place for it was in one of the portables. But we had a makeshift darkroom where we learned how to develop film and make prints. I found that I really enjoyed it and I felt artistic. My teacher liked what I did and told me I had talent.

Maine

I took photography all through high school and decided that I was going to get my college degree in it. It had become a part of my identity. And at that time, not everybody was a “photographer” and I felt unique.

And away to college I went. My first photography class was intense. My teacher was intense. The work load was intense. But in the end I felt challenged and I liked it. For the most part. I started to hate that pieces of my heart were being graded though. It felt weird. I started to see my passion get blurred with a task. There were tears that ran off my face into the chemical basins as photos appeared on the papers.

But I got accepted into the program. And half way into that next semester I suddenly quit.

Why? Because within those weeks a love had grown into a burden and something I was starting to… hate. I was overwhelmed by the technical side of studio lights and metering. I didn’t want to spend all my days posing people. It was hard to force emotion into a photo just to get it done in time.

TCBY table display

I wandered aimlessly that semester and searched my soul for who I was really meant to be. And through some seemingly strong experiences I ended up in sociology. And graduated in it. With all sorts of ideas about my future and who I was going to be and all the people I wanted to help and all the places I would go.

Yet four years after graduating I find myself sitting on this couch, writing about photography. Years healed the rift between me and my camera and I found out that I could learn technical things. I have since been on a journey.

Prayers of Notre Dame

A journey in Utah. At a time of digital magic and wonder. Where there are a million talented photographers. With super nice equipment.  And the best of the best shoot with… film! THERE ARE SO MANY PHOTOGRAPHERS. SOOOOO MANY!

Some of them are kind of living in a dream world, thinking they’re photographers when really… they’re not. Some of them are pretty good. And SO MANY of them are LEGIT. They capture perfect lighting and colors. They have all these fancy “styled photo shoots.” They come up with out-of-this-world ideas. They travel the world over. And they charge a lot of money. But who can blame them? That stuff is expensive! And they don’t get weekends off or any health benefits or bonuses.

But you have to be amazing like them to charge that much. But you can’t afford the equipment to get that good if you don’t charge that much.

San Fransisco

Sometimes I look at all these weddings people do. And if you took away the watermarks and names then you would have no idea which photographer did which wedding. They all look the same. Masterpieces, mind you, but all the same nevertheless.

And I often wonder what I can offer the world of photos. I want a voice of my own. I want to have a style that people could recognize. But for the most part the only thing I feel that sets me apart right now is the fact that my photos aren’t nearly as good as any of theirs.

In some ways I have grown. When I first started getting back into things I would ask people what they wanted and then try to recreate whatever photos they had shown me. But now I’m like, whatever. Look at what I do and if you like my style then yes, please use me. That’s progress I think. (Don’t get me wrong, I still like to know things that people are hoping for and wanting but I don’t try to recreate another photographer’s photo, you know what I mean?)

London

In the end, I guess I just don’t know where or if I fit in. How can I when there are hundreds of other photographers giving the world what it wants? The world doesn’t need or want me.

Taking the plunge. My 1st wedding

Besides all that, to be a professional these days means that you have to practically become a celebrity. You have to be witty and attractive. And the more you are of those things, the higher paying jobs you will get. It’s all about followers, right? How many comments, how many likes. You’ve got to want the attention and GET it. I’ve always had many friends but I’ve NEVER been the girl who had admirers or followers. And the internet has taken what was once high school popularity and spewed it out into adults like never before. Now it’s not enough to have good friends and family but you need worshipers too. And to be a successful photographer, to really get the respect and title, you need to be an obsession.

Like I said, a celebrity.

I can’t even get a photographer to email me back to answer a question. I have this
“friend” who I admire her photography and she doesn’t even follow my instagram. No, not even that- she UNfollowed me on instagram.

I’ve never made a facebook page for my photography for a reason. I know I will have, like, 30 followers and that would discourage me. AND besides- I don’t want that to discourage me. I guess I’m not strong enough yet to stand up and declare that I will go on in my passion despite anyone’s support.

And I guess this fear of rejection is stopping me from really letting go and embracing all that could be.

Ugh.

Every photographer needs their own photo of the Eiffel Tower, right?

My dreams. I first dreamed of being a National Geographic photographer. I wanted to travel the world and take pictures of it and show that there is beauty everywhere; I wanted to show that God exists.

This dream made the whole posing and studio lights thing a real downer.

But later on I have learned that even if there is posing involved at some point that photographing anything still counts as beauty and testifying of God. I have grown to love newborn photos and family photos and anyone and everything photos.

Of course, I still want to travel the world and show it off through my lens. But… that isn’t going to happen.

Disneyland Balloons

I realized a long time ago that this “gift” I have produces things only for this world. All my art and photos will burn with the earth one day and as far as I know, they will not be gracing the walls of heaven. So I want whatever it is that I do to have more meaning than that- while I give people earthly items I want to somehow give them something that they will be able to take with them in the next life.

A fun photo shoot producing good memories is a good start, I suppose.

Photos that can help others heal in this life is important, like after a loved one dies or something. I think that counts for something.

Something I’ve tried to do is to offer affordable photography. I hate that it’s only the rich people who get the beautiful photos. Shouldn’t everyone get that for their families? I hope that giving back my talent for cheap or for free will be something that can last into forever, even if the photos don’t.

Oak Alley, Louisiana

I suppose that the whole reason I dropped photo as a major in college was because I didn’t want it as a job. I wanted it to be a reason for living, but not to make a living. And although it has since become something that I do make a small profit for, I have most enjoyed using it to help others and give as a gift.

And one of the MOST important aspects of this “talent” has been being able to capture my little June bug. Most of the time I just want a nicer lens for this reason. But this reason doesn’t give me the money to get said lens. ;) (in fact, this reason, my June bug, takes the money away…. Haha)

Super Man Glasses

Writing this last part is giving me peace. I was all riled up earlier on and now I feel calm. I feel like crying now, what the heck?

Okay. I need to keep perspective. Why do I do this, and where I want to go.

(Also, I’m not saying that photographers who make a whole lotta money doing this are bad or something, because hey, we all have different situations and reasons. And somebody’s got to make the big $$ doing this)

Dreaming of Hawaii in Idaho. (I totally used photo markers for this, old school way)

In the end, I always come back to being grateful for those in my life who DO care and encourage me. (I may not be a celebrity phototag but I am going to give my Oscar speech) I mean, Carrie, you’re my biggest fan and advertiser and it has meant the world to me. Max and Rebecca are also dedicated fans. Those of you who encourage me in comments online- you don’t know how much those mean to me. All my relatives who have me take their family photos and photos of their kids- awesome. Did you know that my grandpa Pew gave me a bunch of dark room equipment many years ago? My in laws gave me the lens that I use all of the time and my flash that has saved many indoor photos. Of course my family has always supported me- my sister is another one of my biggest fans and my parents have always encouraged me and spent money on my hobby. My dad also likes photography and has helped me a lot, whether that’s been letting me use his cameras or what.

I am grateful for June and for being to most beautiful thing I ever see through my lens. Her wonder and brightness keeps me taking photos on the greyest days. She, along with our other future kid(s), are going to have to put up with a lot of photo taking.

And of course my biggest support is Buck. He is so patient with me and all the million photos I always take wherever we go. He helps out so that I can have time to edit. He gives me time and takes June so I can go take photos. He gets me jobs. He talks me up. He comes with and is my assistant. He never pressures me to do this for money and embraces all the gifts I give, despite how time consuming they are. He looks through all the final photos. He gives me advice but mostly just builds me up and up and up. He is the entire reason I am even doing this now. Over a year ago he sacrificed so much to get me a newer camera and that changed everything. HE is everything.

British

Okay. Glad we could all talk this out.