Away-from-it-all

Every night it's the same. I turn off the house lights and turn on the light in the hall so that I can see in her bedroom. I open the door as softly as possible and my feet whisper over to her crib, soft light rolls off the carpet and onto wood bars. I look down at her and I stop breathing so that I can hear her breathe. I watch her belly go up and down, up and down.

Another night. Another day. We have lived and will go on.
We survive.

Everyday my mind wanders. It goes far away, into meadows of flowers, past pine trees
and down a dirt lane. It walks in the front door and into what I wish was our front room. It looks out the large windows and up at the mountains and all around at the land. My mind loves to go there. Because it is safe.

It is away-from-it-all.

I can't read the news much or get into politics a whole lot. I can't scope out the best geographical place on this earth to live based on natural disasters. I get too anxious and start feeling this need to find control. A gun, a massive food storage and several 72-hour kits, a well of water and solar panels, my own military base. And if I could somehow secure these items in our home-on-the-mountain (official title) then maybe we'll have a chance.

And maybe we'll have a chance if I can somehow instill in my kids a hatred of action and sexy movies. And raunchy music. Maybe they will only want to go to church and play in the yard and explore our mountain. June will love to collect all the wildflowers and little Harvey* will want to camp and be one with nature. In fact, we wont even have a T.V.

Right?
Right ?!

Sigh

It's easy to get worked up. I love my family. I hear of so many horrible things happening to other people's loved ones and it freaks me out. And I swear every movie wants to teach my June bug that she will only be a sex object and that my future son* needs to be a punching/killing machine.

So I dream of getting a home away-from-it-all. It feels like the only thing left to do in this crazy world. To focus on nature and go back to the basics of the earth. I'm not saying I want to be Amish (although, sometimes I kinda do...) but I want to live somewhere where loud and busy and blue screens are second third fourth tenth best to the stars and the water and the wonder of being alive. 

But always, always, always, after having my daily imagination attack I am reminded that I DO have peace and calm about it all. I have the ultimate knowledge to combat anything the world could fling at me and my marvelous little family. 

I believe in God. 

I know that there is a plan and a reason for being here. And the reason isn't to live a perfect controlled and safe life. It is to learn and to return to God to live forever with our families. I know that whatever hard and awful things come our way that all things will be made right one day. I know that even if the earth herself decides to swallow us whole that we will be okay. This is not the end. Thank God. This is not all there is. 

And I don't EVEN CARE if this is all true. Honestly. It doesn't matter. Not really. Let's say I am wrong and there is no life after this. That's okay because believing in God and the religion that I do gave me the most peaceful life. It has given me true control- to know that when I feel so out of control from the fears of the world that I always have the end choice to believe in eternal good and to be 

still 

and calm.

And in the end, with this feeling and hope, I can live anywhere. 

So come what may. 

WE ARE SAFE. 

With God, we are always safe.

**This is not a pregnancy announcement