You know, every year I write a post on my birthday, reflecting on the past year. But it's now the day after my birthday and I just realized that the tradition didn't even cross my mind this year! Which isn't surprising, as each year my life grows more and more out of control. haha
And I don't even know what to say about this past year. It was crazy! I went from my birthday last year right into Rose's first birthday and then right into being pregnant again, moving houses, having a baby and now struggling in life. I had bad postpartum depression after Rose and I'm not sure I ever recovered from that and so adding on the crazy hormones of another pregnancy made for some deeply dark days.
And as the postpartum depression hit full force once again after Johnny was born, I've truly been in a confusing and harrowing place. I know that I mostly post about little outings, celebrations, or some "normal" things like that but sometimes I hate how misleading that all is. I post those things for personal reasons- to try and focus on something good and positive and to remember how hard I've been trying to be a mom- not even a "good mom" but even just a mother at all. But between all those posts was a lot of time just barely surviving.
As I sit here nursing Johnny, the day after turning the pretty number of 33, I feel so grateful to have made it to this day because honestly, there were a few days that I wasn't sure I was going to, or that I even wanted to.
And so I turn 33 with a new soberness of heart. Instead of being deeply dark I am now just deeply grateful- Grateful for good family, neighbors, and friends who have helped me, looked after me, saved me. Grateful for a loving, patient husband who continues to scale the walls I tried to put up. Grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and savior who have carried me though it all. And now, I am also endlessly grateful for medication and for loved ones who gave me the courage to start taking it. The relief has been beyond words. I feel so alive again!
Just in time to start a new year!
It's a happy birthday indeed.
Here's to 33!
6 comments:
Happy Birthday to you! This post makes me happy, thank you for writing your beautiful blog! so glad you're feeling better and happier and alive. I haven't written a comment in so long, sorry, but I read your posts and it is really amazing what kind of mother you are, what wonderful memories you create for your children, what you do for them, even in times when you're struggling.
I'm five weeks away from due date of baby no.2, my hormones/feelings are a lot different than during my first pregnancy, and sometimes it already feels a little overwhelming. i can't image how you are doing it with 4 kids, and moving houses in between. you are strong. hopefully everything will get smoother and smoother with every day. happy birthday :)
Congratulations on baby number two! I hope delivery goes well! It’s overwhelming at first but having two kids is a golden time as they start to play together and such.
I am so happy to hear that you are doing better.I know how dark those days can be and I also know that taking medication should not be a shameful thing. Good for you for looking past a stigma and doing what works for your health and well being. You are such an amazing woman and I look up to you so much.
I love you Anna!!! Xoxox
Happy Birthday...a couple weeks late!! Well, you know I was thinking about you on your birthday! I'm so glad life is looking better for you!
I love how even though you’re describing the struggles in the darkness that you show pictures of yourself running free. I hope you will always have days where you’re running free as they give you the hope to keep going.
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