The truth is- I shouldn’t be writing about this right now. (Although I was planning to do this today) but now I come with a more heavy heart. There is nothing new about the situation, just that it hit me again this morning, as I sat there talking about it at my doctor’s appointment.
I’m not even sure what it was that he said that stirred the fear in me but I left wanting to cry. I think it was the whole stillbirth thing. We talked more about that; I think that was what got to me.
“All the babies with this that I’ve dealt with have come out fine, but one time someone is going to have a really sad day because of it."
See, the little baby girl growing inside of me only has a two-vessel umbilical cord, instead of the normal three-vessel cord. Something to do with the artery and veins in the cord, she doesn’t have as many. And apparently it’s a pretty random thing to have happen (leave it to me) as it only happens in one of every 100-200 babies. Really? 1% chance? Really?
So what does this mean for us?
Well, simply put, she now has a higher chance (not necessarily a high chance, just higher) of basically four problems:
Down Syndrome
Heart defects
Other abnormalities or deformities
And
Stillbirth.
And what do they do about this?
Well, simply put, we started meeting with a specialist obstetrician called a perinatologist at the maternal fetal medicine section of the hospital. We got to have another ultrasound the other week from this doctor. In about a month we go back for another ultrasound and then after that we go back every week for tests until the baby is born. So if anything is ever wrong with those tests, i.e. the heart has slowed or she hasn’t grown since the last week, they wheel me down the hall and get her out of me and save her.
There is more good news than anything though. One) is that more babies than not with this problem come out just fine and two) the perinatologist said that our baby is growing and measuring perfectly, no major defects and that her heart looks great- so it should be rare that her heart should have problems. Really, everything so far looks great. He told us not to let this weigh heavily on our minds.
Honestly the first time we learned of this from our regular doctor (he didn’t do anything to scare us, just told us the truth is all) Buck and I had an emotional day, of which we do not regret nor feel over dramatic about. We let the worst outcome fill our souls for a while and let it teach us. We got closer; we became more driven, more connected, more in tune. More of everything. But after our next visit with the specialist the weight had lifted. We felt hope and peace. We feel good about things, really not too concerned. Why worry right?
And so while the reality has scared me again today, I know that soon I will go right back to where I was- hopeful and optimistic. It is scary, but it could be worse. We still have so much hope in this case and other cases aren’t so lucky. I’ll save you all the trouble of telling me this: I’m sure it will all be just fine- because that is how we DO feel. We just have a little extra journey along the way.
And maybe today I’ll feel a little sad, but that’s okay too. Through this I feel more alive, more pregnant. It’s a weird feeling, pregnancy. I’ve never been a mother before, never held my newborn in my arms. I have no idea what any of this is even going to feel like. Yet there is something inside of me that is willing to do anything for this baby, something in me is devastated at the thought of losing her, even though I don’t yet know her. I’m ready to fight.
And I don’t even know why.
But I’m starting to learn.
I’m not even sure what it was that he said that stirred the fear in me but I left wanting to cry. I think it was the whole stillbirth thing. We talked more about that; I think that was what got to me.
“All the babies with this that I’ve dealt with have come out fine, but one time someone is going to have a really sad day because of it."
See, the little baby girl growing inside of me only has a two-vessel umbilical cord, instead of the normal three-vessel cord. Something to do with the artery and veins in the cord, she doesn’t have as many. And apparently it’s a pretty random thing to have happen (leave it to me) as it only happens in one of every 100-200 babies. Really? 1% chance? Really?
So what does this mean for us?
Well, simply put, she now has a higher chance (not necessarily a high chance, just higher) of basically four problems:
Down Syndrome
Heart defects
Other abnormalities or deformities
And
Stillbirth.
And what do they do about this?
Well, simply put, we started meeting with a specialist obstetrician called a perinatologist at the maternal fetal medicine section of the hospital. We got to have another ultrasound the other week from this doctor. In about a month we go back for another ultrasound and then after that we go back every week for tests until the baby is born. So if anything is ever wrong with those tests, i.e. the heart has slowed or she hasn’t grown since the last week, they wheel me down the hall and get her out of me and save her.
There is more good news than anything though. One) is that more babies than not with this problem come out just fine and two) the perinatologist said that our baby is growing and measuring perfectly, no major defects and that her heart looks great- so it should be rare that her heart should have problems. Really, everything so far looks great. He told us not to let this weigh heavily on our minds.
Honestly the first time we learned of this from our regular doctor (he didn’t do anything to scare us, just told us the truth is all) Buck and I had an emotional day, of which we do not regret nor feel over dramatic about. We let the worst outcome fill our souls for a while and let it teach us. We got closer; we became more driven, more connected, more in tune. More of everything. But after our next visit with the specialist the weight had lifted. We felt hope and peace. We feel good about things, really not too concerned. Why worry right?
And so while the reality has scared me again today, I know that soon I will go right back to where I was- hopeful and optimistic. It is scary, but it could be worse. We still have so much hope in this case and other cases aren’t so lucky. I’ll save you all the trouble of telling me this: I’m sure it will all be just fine- because that is how we DO feel. We just have a little extra journey along the way.
And maybe today I’ll feel a little sad, but that’s okay too. Through this I feel more alive, more pregnant. It’s a weird feeling, pregnancy. I’ve never been a mother before, never held my newborn in my arms. I have no idea what any of this is even going to feel like. Yet there is something inside of me that is willing to do anything for this baby, something in me is devastated at the thought of losing her, even though I don’t yet know her. I’m ready to fight.
And I don’t even know why.
But I’m starting to learn.
